Sunday, December 27, 2009

No baby again

After what it seems like months of IVF stuff we found out yesterday it didn't work. I am feeling numb to it all. The night before I freaked out and had a feeling it was going to be bad. After crying for 20 minutes I decided to go shopping. It didn't help much but it made the day move fast. I have been asking God for peace and to accept what happens good or bad. Maybe this is why I don't feel much and maybe since it has been this way for so long I am used to it.


Thursday, December 24, 2009

First pictures

Here are our first baby pictures. These two little embryos are in my belly right now. I am only days away of finding out if it worked. I am not thinking about it too much but I am sure it will be hard the day of. I do think about what I went through and I don't really want to do it again but I will do what ever it takes.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

the verdict is in...

After not sleeping all night last night I woke up to a call from the embryologist to tell me my little emibes are looking great and that I will be doing my transfer on Friday morning. My beeeeehind hurt so bad all night from my shot and the other side hurt from the othe 2 shots so I wasn't able to find a comfortable postion. Now I have 2 days to stay busy so I don't freak out! I had a feeling this would be the case but wasn't sure so I wasn't that nervous but now I am starting to feel it. I will spend the day getting a pedi and baking before Bible study tonight.
Deep Breath!!!

Here is the embryo break down. They said they like to see at least 3 of them at 6 cells or more so I am doing well.

Total= 9
1- 10 cell
5- 8 cell
1- 7 cell
1- 6 cell
1- 2 to 5 cell

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

The true meaning of intramuscular

Today is potentially the day before transfer. I thought I would be really nervous but I am feeling pretty good. I was busy with friends all day. It was the first day in over a week where I would actually walk with out much pain. It felt good to be able to pick up my house a little and not worry about the chemicals when I cleaned the bathroom. I didn't do everything but I figure if it doesn't happen tomorrow I will have 2 more days to clean.
DH and I have a high self efficacy when it comes to shots now a days. Today I wasn't nervous at all when the clock struck 9pm. We went in to the bathroom and mixed our concoction with ease. I bent over on the bed, I am sure you have a nice visual right now haha. We both took a deep breath and all of the sudden....OH MY GOSH! So, let me describe the feeling. I barely felt the needle go in but as soon as it hit the muscle it felt like someone had just hit me with their knuckle in the same spot about 20 times. My reaction was a yelp then laughter. Not only was it the weirdest feeling ever, it tickled too. I couldn't stay still as DH yelled and me to stop moving and stop laughing.
I now know that this is what it was supposed to feel like and that we didn't do it totally right the last 2 nights. I had him do it a little lower where my muscle actually was. When he took out the needle and realized I was not in pain, well almost, he started laughing too. Now I am totally hurting on my hinnie and will probably feel this for a while.
We will even the score with my other cheek tomorrow!

Monday, December 14, 2009

The painful part is over....I think

After eating a huge meal on Saturday night, couldn't eat after 11:30pm until after retrieval, I actually sleep pretty well. We headed off to retrieval where I only had a to wait 20 minutes. They got me set and I was was surprisingly very calm. I have been asking God to keep me calm and not to be anxious. I know that no matter how I feel that will not change His will.
Everything went pretty smooth. When I woke up from my little nap I couldn't figure out where I was so I started crying! haha. I was so confused and my stomach hurt. Then I realized what happened and started laughing telling the nurses, "sorry, I forgot what was going on". They were all very sweet to me. Not too long after I was out the door. I asked them when I would learn how to do the PIO shot and they said they already showed DH. My first reaction was ummm....can you show me too? The only thing was I wasn't completely with it to share my thoughts so we headed home. We stopped at Togo's to get soup and sandwiches. It was the best lunch ever! After not eating all day I was famished.

I spent the day resting. I had really bad cramping and could not get comfortable. No matter how I sat it hurt. I would stand and walk around until that hurt then sit and repeat. Then came time for the PIO shot. I started out icing, did I mention they drew circles on my hinnie so DH knew where to aim? I wanted to make sure it was nice and numb. Then we got the stuff. Both of us were so nervous. I asked him what to do and he wasn't totally sure. Of course it made me mad! He was supposed to know they showed him not me. He calmed down and we figured it out. The only problem was there were two needles. One much larger than the other. I assumed that the smaller one was to inject. I got on the bed and we both laughed and said we were afraid. DH didn't want to do it but I told him to get over it because he had too. He jabbed it in and it actually didn't hurt that bad. Then he noticed that the oil was coming out and there was no bump. It seemed like it went too fast. I thought it really wasn't bad...hmmmm.. is that okay? So we sat there wondering if we did it right. I decided after 45minutes of stewing and worrying I would Google it, gotta love the Google Gods. Yep, we used the wrong needle!

We were now both freaked out. DH said we should page the RE but I wasn't sure so I made him do it. 30 minutes later he didn't call back so we did it again. He still didn't call back, luckily we were not dying! So all night we sat there starring wondering if we messed up big time. Finally we went to bed. I had my first bout of being a worried mother. I thought about my little embies all night. Were they being taken good care of? Were they warm and cozy? I was in a lot of pain all night but woke up feeling pretty good.

I was able to call the nurse this morning and she said it was okay that we used the wrong needle but to make sure we did the right one tonight. I also have 2 estrogen patches on my belly. It looks like someone is drawing all over me. We have to right the date on the patches so I know when to change them, I have 2 big circles on me and a band aid from the shot.

Here is the results from my eggs
16 retrieved
13 mature for ICSI
9 fertilized (2PN)
3 not sure need to wait until Wednesday
1 black (didn't make it)

I think things are looking good. Now I just have to continue to be calm and wait for transfer.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Pulled the trigger

Today was a really long day. I rested a lot and was feeling really good. Then I was bored so I wanted to get out of the house. We went to dinner and decided to finally finish the last person on our Christmas list which ended up including gifts for ourselves. Walking the mall after a large meal was not the best idea. I was glad to have the evening go by fast but I was in a lot of pain. I realized the reason why I felt so good today was that I did nothing!

At 10pm I did my trigger shot. It was more complicated then the others. I had to mix a powder with water using a large needle. Then I had to switch the needle and use a smaller one to inject. It was actually bigger then my other needles so it did hurt. DH helped mix because I was nervous about it. It bleed a lot, I think I am running out of spots. I have a few bruises right now that hit my pants so tomorrow I will be wearing my lovely sweats all day. We go in on Sunday at 9am and I will start retrieval at 10 am. I hope it all goes well and my little eggs fertilize!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Almost time

I went to the RE today hoping he would say "your eggs look great lets take them out now!". Unfortunately he did not say that. He wants me to do one more day of shots. I had a feeling this would happen since I usually ovulate later in the month. I want it all to go well so I can't be too disappointed but I was hoping for sooner rather than later. I am getting really uncomfortable. I have a continuous dull pain in both sides, my back and hips are now achy and it hurts to walk and sit. I have been going into work feel okay then after a couple of hours I can't wait to get home. I just need to keep busy and try to stay comfortable for now. I don't know if after I do my HCG shot I will start to feel a little better. We will see.

I have been doing a little retail therapy. I can't really eat much and when I do I don't feel well so I thought instead of eating I will go shopping. It has been a good distraction and I found myself wanting to buy comfy clothes. I am thinking about what will satisfy me now and probably not wear them much later.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Everthing can be related back to FRIENDS

My favorite show in the entire world is FRIENDS. I watch it everyday and hopefully will finally have all 10 seasons on Christmas day! I can always relate back to something that happened in FRIENDS that mimics what I am going through. One thing is the song Phoebe sings when she is waiting to see if her IVF works with her brothers babies.
Tonight I thought of another. I am really anxious and have been for a couple of days. I went to the RE today and they saw 13 eggs. I am feeling uncomfortable just sitting here with all those eggs and they are still developing. I go back on Thursday to check and expect to retrieve on Saturday. The problem tonight is that I worked from home in the afternoon because I could not sit at work. But now I have been home since 1:30, now 8pm, and I am going crazy. I usually do something like workout, run errands, cook etc. The problem is I don't feel well enough to do anything but sit. When I can't do the rest I love to clean! That keeps me busy and I love the after math of my clean house. Yet again I can't lift much and walking back and forth hurts. I also don't want to breath in chemicals. You may be wondering how this goes back to FRIENDS. Last night I was watching an episode where Chandler gets a housekeeper for Monica. She is so excited because her house is spotless but she gets anxious. She says..."when I am anxious I clean!" but she can't because it is already clean.

This is how I feel right now. I am not looking forward to the next couple of weeks where I need to lay low but get bored and make the days long!

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Hurry up and wait

It is the night before my first ultra sound to see where I am at. I think I over did it today since I am now really feeling those eggs! I will take this as a sign to lay low. I am really anxious right now. I don't feel like eating, I am trying to clean up the house so I won't have to during my rest but I don't really feel like it. I feel like doing something but not...if that makes sense. I just want it to be over. The time has really flown by but I think this is where it will get really difficult. I think my restful days are going to drive me nuts. I have a lot of relaxing things planned but can you really plan to relax?


Saturday, December 5, 2009

Do I really trust him?

I am probably less than a week away now from my egg retrieval. I am trying to keep busy so it gets here soon. I am starting to really feel the eggs growing and have a lot of bruises. A couple of nights ago I decided it would be a good idea for DH to give me a shot for practice since he will soon have to give me them in the behind. I got it ready but saw the way he was holding it, like he was going to kill someone. I thought um... should I let him do this. We both started laughing which didn't help because I needed to stay still. I told him to watch how I held it. Then I decided he needed to watch me do it once and I would let him do it tomorrow. He was looking at me with such horror when I was going to do it that I made him turn around.

The next night I thought he should be ready this time. He saw how it was done. I showed him again how to do it and said stab it in but don't try to kill me. We both were getting ready and finally stopped laughing. He said I couldn't look at him. I looked away as he did the 1,2,3 thing, please don't do it like that. I said "be careful". He touched my stomach at which I knew he was going to go in too slow and hurt me so I stopped him and took it away.

Tonight I just did it myself, maybe tomorrow I will actually let him! haha

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Side Effects and Mood Swings

Last night after a lot of frustration I wrote a little blog only to accidentally delete it! So I will re cap and add a little more. It has been difficult to sleep the last couple of nights. I wake up a lot and have been having hot flashes along with frequent urination. These are all side effects of one of the 4 meds I am on. I am really tired this morning after two restless nights. I also woke up with a large tummy. I am starting to feel a little bit going on in there. The shots are not too bad but I was a little nervous trying to do it right once again. I pulled out my 300IU pen and realized if you subtract 262.5 from 300 you on get 27.5 IU left which is no enough for a second dose. This was after putting the needle on and clicking the knob. So I thought do I stick myself twice using two needles to get a full dose? Then I would need to calculate how much in each pen and would continue doing this until I am even. Since my stomach is now full of holes I decided just to open a new pen. My RE said to bring in extra meds and they can make a dose out of it. So, that is what I will do.

I placed the needle on the new pen and made sure I was doing it right. It didn't bleed and I was starting to second guess myself. "was there really any medicine in there? Did I do it right?" Oh well, what can ya do. Now it was time to take off the needles. They should pop off but they were not. I was pulling on one and ended up cutting my finger with it. It hurt! Then it popped off and flew in the air. Oh, did I mention I yelled for DH to help because now I was mad at him that it wouldn't come off. haha (mood swing). He didn't hear me so I finally did it myself. I was so mad at him for not helping yet I never really asked him. I went into the other room to let him know how mad I was at him and he said that all I needed to do was come and get him since he didn't hear me. Okay, I guess I can't be mad. Then I almost started crying, for no reason. Then I was fine and tired. I decided to blog because it was now starting to seem funny. I finished and tried for the 3rd time to upload a video and accidentally deleted the post. Anger was back and I just gave up!

Can't wait to do it all again tonight!

Sunday, November 29, 2009

And the stimming begins

I have been trying to keep busy the last few days so that they go by fast. I had a great time with friends yesterday and decided since I was starting my stimming meds today that I would make sure to play rough! I rode quads in the mud and had a blast knowing that it will be mellow times from now on.
I was actually pretty nervous all day just watching the clock waiting for it to be night so that I could take my meds. After a lot of thought about how my weeks usually go I decided that it would be best to do my shots around 9pm. After doing it I decided it would actually be better about 6pm but to late now! lol At least I won't have to rush home from work and not be able to go to the store or worry when there is traffic.
I am a pro at shots, with regular needles at least. The pen was a little different and made me nervous. It hurt a little but no biggy. I am sure I will be a pro at this soon too. I took my 2 pills as well. I read the label and one said to take with food or milk. I learned my lesson the other day by not taking a pill with food and had heart burn forever! Unfortunately I have not food in my house that I can eat since i am having caffeine with drawls today and didn't go to the store. I only had sugar free hot chocolate and nuts so that is what I ate with my pills. This has inspired me to go to the store tomorrow.

Friday, November 27, 2009

a big ol' package

Today I had to hang around the house until FedEx came to my door with a large box filled with meds and syringes on dry ice. It is kind of weird. I got another package today but it was filled with Christmas presents I ordered online, no ice required. I opened the box and was very overwhelmed. I had to figure out what needed to go into the frig right away and what needed to go after opening and what was all the other stuff.
The last couple of days have been really busy so that has been good for my sanity. I had a great Thanksgiving, spent the entire day cooking and cleaning. I cleaned up a little today and went shopping then to the movies. When I got home I wrapped presents and now I am writing Christmas cards. I want it all done because I am not sure how I will be in a week or two. Tomorrow I will spend the day with friends then Sunday it is time to start Gonal-f. I just want it all to go fast so I can get this over with!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

chugging along

Today is day 4 of injections. So far everything is going well. I didn't feel well here and there but nothing too bad. The injection burns a little and my stomach is crampy. I am surviving. I finally got good news today. My meds have gone through insurance and I will be getting them on Friday. Worst case scenario I will have to pick them up from my RE on Saturday if they don't come, they are aware. So now that stress is over. I took my last birth control pill last night so I will be getting a period in a couple of days, oh boy I can't wait! I will start Gonal-f on Sunday to stimulate my ovaries, Let...something a steroid, and Dex..something to help estrogen (those may be backwards).

This is when the real uncomfortable part will start but hopefully I will survive. I have not had any breakdowns the last couple of days so that is good to. I am making a conscious effort to be nice to DH so he won't forget why he wants to have kids with me! haha

I look forward to Thanksgiving tomorrow just relaxing and the rest of the 4 day weekend.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Day 1 down

This morning was the start of Lupron injections. Last night I was very anxious, actually all day, so I decided to decorate for Christmas and do a little shopping. My house is now decorated and more than 1/2 of the presents are wrapped and under the fake tree. When I was finished I realized that now it was almost bed time and I would be starting shots in the morning. That was a little nerve wracking. I had trouble sleeping and woke up several times too look at the clock, I needed to get up at 7:30 since that is when I will be doing my shots.

The shot was not too bad. The size of the needle and how it is done is the same as last time I did Gonal-f. The only thing different was that it stung a little. I could feel it for a few hours and the injection site was irritated and red but not for long. I will do this for 2 weeks to suppress ovulation. I stop birth control pills in 2 days. I am looking forward to the side affects being gone but they will come back with the other meds.

So far so good and still sane....for now.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Another hoop

I am starting to wonder if IF is more of a circus than a journey. I have been asked by a bunch of clowns, not the nice doctors and nurse more like the admin people and insurance people, to jump through a bunch of hoops. I am going to enter a ring of fire in a couple of weeks then walk on a tight rope. Instead of swallowing swords or breathing fire I will inject myself with more needles than a crack head! All of this will be for what I hope is a beautiful baby!

Today was another hoop. I called the pharmacy whom I have been reminded over and over delivers overnight. Well, yesterday when I called it was too late in the afternoon and their trucks were already out so I would have to get my delivery Saturday. I was a little nervous about that but okay their "over night" delivery was turning into a 2 day thing. So I called today as told to see what the damage was to my bank account. They didn't know yet but were expected to know in a couple of hours. Again I asked if I was still getting my package on Saturday. Of course I was because they deliver overnight. Then I call again 2 hours later to see the damage. Well, they still didn't know since it was still processing. I asked what the worst case scenario would be, which wasn't as bad as I thought. I again asked if I was still getting my package, of course since they overnight things. Okay, I am good. Then about 45 minutes later I get a call from the insurance rep from the pharmacy telling me that I still have not given my pre authorization and if I didn't get it to them in an hour their lovely overnight delivery trucks would be gone. I need the meds by Sunday morning so the water works started! I called my RE's office in tears telling them the situation. They told me to calm down, what? Are you kidding me I am a wreck. The nurse apologized and said the good thing is they deliver overnight. Well that is not so good when I will miss that and no deliveries are made on Sunday.
Luckily they keep meds in stock at the office for cases like mine. She told me she would keep working on it and to come by and pick up my meds that will last me a week. Okay, it was all settled. The only problem was that I was crying and couldn't stop. It was solved but it turned on the emotions that won't turn off. I was trying to contain myself, since I was AT WORK. Then I started thinking that I shouldn't be working because it is too stressful. I made it to the RE office and she gave me the meds and told me it is okay and we would get it all straightened out by next week.

I kind of think this week was 2 hoops that were FULL of fire. I am better now and made sure I had a yummy dinner from Chevy's since I can't eat a lot of things. I went on the treadmill, read and will now settle down for the night. I hope I do better tomorrow because Sunday is the day I start more drugs which will make me crazy and feel like crap. yikes.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

You Tube

We are getting closer only 2 more days until I start shooting myself. I finally was able to order my meds. They will come on Saturday before noon so I need to be home for the special delivery. I am still stressed about that since they don't deliver on Sunday and that is the day I need to get started. But, this is one thing down a thousand more to go.

So, I was watching videos on You Tube, oh you gotta love technology. They had everything on there you will ever need to know about this stuff. I have heard that the PIO (Progesterone in Oil) shot is quite the ordeal. This is the one DH will give me unless I really really have to do it myself. The ladies showed the needle! OMG is was huge. Then they stuck it in and slowly pressed the syringe. It takes a while since the oil is so thick. Some of the videos showed the men helping. One girl was yelling at her husband while her friend video taped. Umm...this will be us. haha Some may say "why in the world would you do that?". Well, I do not like surprises with pain. I want to know what to expect, what it will look like and most of all if its gonna hurt! This gives me a sense of control and knowledge that will calm my nerves. I won't have to do this for a few weeks so I am gearing up.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

not sure what to title this

Today was a busy day. I got blood work done, after trying to figure out if I "could" via my insurance. Why should they decide? It is really sad that things can't be easier with insurance but I guess I am thankful I have any. We also went to our nurse class. It was odd that there were 5 other couples in there. Usually we all sit in the waiting area wondering what the other is in for and who of the 2 is "broken", but this time I knew we were all doing IVF this month and even learned a little about their meds and past experiences. We were all pretty quite and looking scared, at least I wasn't alone.
The "presentation" was nothing new. I already knew how the process worked, what to expect during each step, etc. The one thing I really liked was the nurse went over the side effects of all the drugs, even your emotional state. She told the guys to be nice to us and supportive when we are crazy and not feeling well. I am glad that I did not have to tell DH. Pretty much I will be having hot flashes, bloating, nausea, and headache for most of the med...grrrreat. There were a couple of points in time where I had to use all my inner strength to hold it together. She talked about D day and what would happen if it worked. I almost lost it when she said we would hear a heart beat, I thought of around the time it would be. Then she moved on to if it didn't work, I almost lost it again. What will I do if it doesn't? I was at the front so I could not even try to dry my eyes. It was rough.
After the class I called to get my drugs. They told me 3 drugs but my list given by the doctors included only 2 of those 3 and 3 other? Luckily I am so anal that I doubled check with them then called the doctor. I am not sure where the mix up was but it is situated and my new prescription will be in tomorrow. Seriously, I don't want another stress! If I had not checked I would have spent $1,000 on meds I don't need and I am sure they would have not taken them back.
This week I will have to be home to wait for what I have heard is a large box of meds that I must sign for. This is weird. Who knew this would be how I was spending my holidays in 2009. So, the big day of Lurpon starts on Sunday the 22nd. I have to do those shots in the morning then a week later I start my evening shots of others.

Friday, November 13, 2009

What is on my mind...too

I just came across this and I felt like they had just read my mind.

Lord, Give me Strength...
To keep my cool when another period starts.
To keep my chin up when a co-worker announces her pregnancy.
To have a good relationship with my friend in spite of her ability to conceive easily and not be jealous of her.
To endure my sister-in-law's comments about toilet training.
To keep from crying when I see children begging on the roads.
To forgive my doctor when he keeps me waiting for two hours for a consultation - and then can't remember my name.
To make the right decision about treatment.
To maintain a good relationship with my husband in spite of all this.

It's helpful to remember the Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr. " God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can change, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Infertility is...
Watching your husband playing with your friend's baby and wishing you could give him one of his own.
Telling nurses to please take blood from your right arm because the veins in your left arm are all gone because of all the IVs you've had.
Avoiding people you haven't seen for a long time because you don't want to hear the question, "Do you have any kids yet?".
Feeling very left out when your friends start comparing their pregnancy or childbirth experiences.
Feeling like the whole town is pregnant except for you.
Getting tired of people always expecting you to do things because "you don't have any kids to worry about".
Waking up in the middle of the night and wishing you could hear your baby crying.
Wishing you could give your parents grandchildren.
Wanting to fall apart if one other person says, "Why don't you adopt?" Easy, right?
Sometimes avoiding friends who are pregnant or with newborns because you just can't handle the situation at that moment.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

We Begin

The day has come to start my IVF journey. Although I have been on birth control pills for 2 months now, the first step of IVF, this week was the real thing. I started my Monday am with a trip to the RE office to write the biggest check I ever wrote. It barely fit on the line! This was followed by a few little tears but nothing big.
Today was my baseline ultra sound and a saline solution ultra sound. I spelled that wrong earlier and found myself Googleing Celine Dion's recent miscarriage after her 2nd IVF. Poor thing. I think it would have been wise of her not to tell the world until she was further along. Anyways, everything is looking nice. My lining is nice, my ovaries are nice and there is nothing funky like polyps or fibroids.
The procedure was pretty simple but I felt a little crampy afterwards. Our next move is our shot class next week. We also have to do blood tests. It is a little irritating that we are having insurance issues over these little things but lets hope it gets worked out and we can move forward asap. I had a little bit of an emotional day. It is all getting so real and it is very difficult. I am worried about what is to come. This week I have been really sensitive. I am hoping that people will understand I may not want to talk, hang out or just cry for no apparent reason.

Here goes the roller coaster!

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Another attempt

So we have finally decided to go through with IVF using a new doctor. I am really hoping this works! We have been so blessed by loved ones with the money to do it and don't have to sacrifice as much as we expected financially. So now I am a total wreck! I think I have cried almost everyday that last couple of weeks and the actual physical process doesn't start until November. Another round of pregos is emerging and that has really set me off. I am proud of myself going into"protection" mode even more so than in the past. Today is CD1 of the process since my RE is putting me on BC pills early to help. Next month is my egg class and shot class then off we go. I am freaked out but I know it will be over sooner than later. So for now I will exercise as much as possible and drink coffee because I will soon have to put that aside for a baby I may or may not get.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

I am ready!

I am trying to pick myself up from a rough week. I need to move on, think clearly and start figuring out plan B. I am trying to look at the good things that are now happening. I now don't have anything keeping me in Nor Cal and if I move I can go to an IVF clinic since I am paying out of pocket any way. I will be around family during this process, which may be helpful. If I do get pregnant and want to continue with school I can have lots of help that I didn't have before. I am listing to everyone trying to cheer me up and praying about it all. There is not a lot of time to stay down because that won't help. I think there was a total of 24hours of tears on and off and now it is time to move on. My boss told me that when I get down it doesn't last long. I let her know that I have worked really hard on that, IF has really taught me how to cope. I am ready for whatever God has in store for me and I am waiting for him to lead me in the right direction!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

A failure again

I just got another round of bad news. I did not get into grad school. My grades were to low. My first reaction was crying, then calling my family which none of them picked up! Then I got a hold of DH and cried to him. He said he was so sorry and wishes there was something he could do. They always want to fix it but they can't. After crying I went shopping, that always helps. Then I cried to my mom and now I am doing pretty good. I feel like a failure once again. It is weird how this made me start to think of IF and how I just want one thing that I have worked hard for to workout! I have always been okay at everything, that doesn't get you that far. I started to wonder if I am aiming too high. But seriously, having children, is that really to high? I feel barren and stupid. I know I shouldn't feel stupid because I know I am not. It just sucks that they can't see that I can do things when I work at it it is just that chemistry is really hard!! Well, now I am on to the next plan which is going to be interesting.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

I'm a Mother waiting....

I was just watching my favorite show FRIENDS. Of course it is reruns but it still is the best show ever. This was the episode where Chandler and Monica are trying to adopt a baby and were mistakenly chosen by the girl who is in all the funny movies. She thinks they are a Reverend and a doctor. When she discovers they are lying just so they get the baby she leaves. Chandler follows her into to the hall and explains how much he wants Monica to have a baby that he can't give her one etc. Then he says she is already a mother she just needs a baby.
This is how I feel. I am so ready. I am already so motherly and ready to take care of a little one. I just don't have it yet. It made me cry a little and pray for a miracle. I have been doing really well but the void is still there.
I am ready!

Sunday, May 3, 2009


I really wish I was able to keep a little computer in my bag so every time I had a thought I could blog. It seems like I only get to after all my "chores" are done and DH is gone. Oh well. I have been thinking about coping a lot lately. I have been told how well I am doing, which doesn't always make it better. I found that I am doing so many things to cope with my situation. I have my wonderful support group, daily strength website, journal, talking to various people, exercise, and the lovely blue pill along with just keeping busy. I do all this yet still no baby. Still I feel sad a lot and wonder if it will ever happen for me. All this "coping" I am doing doesn't make me a mother. Now that mother's day is next week I am realizing that I won't be celebrating it once again. Maybe some day. All I will do now is cope. =(

Friday, April 3, 2009

Just some thoughts

Tomorrow my support group is going to Ripley's Believe It or Not in SF to rub the fertility idol. I am really looking forward to having a fun trip. I don't know that it will help but hopefully all of us will get pregnant next month! haha
I have finally made the decision not to attend baby showers any more. I always feel obligated to go if I can and used to enjoy buying gifts. My hope of happy a baby of my own is getting slim so I am trying to save myself the pain of attending. I am not sure if I will even send gifts any more. If I do maybe I will start sending gift cards to Target since it is generic. I am doing all I can to cope with this and have been hearing how strong I am. Honestly, that almost makes it worse. I feel like when people tell me that, they think it is not bothering me like it is. I just have to do so much to cope that it seems like I am okay but I really am not. I guess if I have a mental breakdown they will stop telling me I am doing well. No one can really know what they are going to say is okay with me because it all depends on the day.
One other funny thing is my favorite new some is by Miley Sirus aka Hannah Montana. It is about getting to the other side of the mountain. It is not what is there but the climb. I totally agree. I am trying to get to the other side of a huge mountian and I am learning a lot through my climb. =)

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

All I want is a free meal

I finally wrote an email to my clinic because the OBGYN is in the same office as the IF. This is the worst idea ever. I get to stare at the pregnant ladies while waiting to go see my dr because I can't get pregnant. I know they are in the same place in you body but seriously, why would they think it is a good idea?

I thought my email was pretty good. I thanked them for their great service medically but let them know my emotional needs are not being met and if this continued I would find a place where they would be. I got a nice email back saying they were sending it to upper management and how sorry they were that I felt this way but it takes time and money to make changes.

I felt like I was at a restaurant complaining to the manager. I looked at it this way. If you go into a busy restaurant but the food is really good so you don't mind waiting. Then you sit down and are ignored while everyone else is getting drinks and food. You server comes to you and takes your order. You wait for a long time for you food, the food is great but you can't get over how bad the service was. You complain to the manager and he says how sorry he is and comps your meal.

This is a great way to end the meal. The meal was good and service was bad but at least it is free. I guess I was hoping my clinic would be the same way. I think if they said we are so sorry you feel this way what we are going to do is comp you last treatment since it failed anyway and are unhappy with the service. But no, it was just sorry we will not be fixing this problem anytime soon. UGH!

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Brenda Walsh?

I have a yucky feeling about myself right now. This may sound weird and funny.
When I was in high school "Beverly Hills 90210" was a big show. I watched it all the time and really liked Kelly. I was also a cheerleader, can we say catty? We had many arguments on what bow we were wearing on spirit days, who should be your secret football player for homecoming, why is she always in the front in dances and much much more. How does this relate to 90210 you ask. Well, being as passionate as I was about these cheer issues and okay probably a little more snobby than I would like to admit...someone told me that the JV squad called me Brenda Walsh. My reaction was "ugh, I'm not like her".
So now it is over 12 years since I heard that about myself. I feel I have come a long way and no longer even slightly resemble her...until...last night. The new season of "90210" was on and the old characters Brenda and Kelly are on it. I know I am a dork but I totally watch it. Last night Brenda finds out she can't have kids. Just like me!! She had fibroids removed which left her baron. (not like me) The best part was when she was in the waiting room with a 16 year old girl who just found out she was pregnant. She talked about how it made her feel and how jealous she was of the girl.

Wow, this is totally me. I just thought it was funny.

On another note our last cycle was cancelled and we are waiting until next week to do more tests. Grrrr