Tuesday, November 9, 2010

3 days and counting

I made it through my 2nd FET and have 3 long days left of waiting for the results. I have had a few melt downs through the process and don't feel like myself. I am surrounded by pregnancy and new babies and it is killing me. No one really seems to understand I don't want to hear or talk about it, unless I bring it up. My IF friends are just about the only people I can handle seeing their babies because I know what a blessing they are to them.
I started thinking the other day about all the people I avoid and all the hurt and pain I have over this. I wonder when this is all over ,whether we have biological kids or adopt, will all my troubles be gone? What else will come in the way of me avoiding people. Will it be that their kid does better in school than mine? Or is healthier than mine? Or behaves better? I am leaning on the hope that having a baby will solve my problems but I know that new ones will arise. Rarely in life is everything smooth sailing. I have dealt with this for so long I almost don't even know life without it.
For now I will be filling my days with lots of stuff so it will go by fast. I think the longest day will be Friday. I hate waiting by the phone for the dreaded call. I answered the first time and could barely speak when she told me it was negative. Now I have DH answer and I stare at him and can tell by the look on his face and his response.

Okay, no I just made myself really scared!!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Is it over yet?

I have been ready to do my next FET cycle since the beginning of September. Here I am heading toward the middle of October and I still have 3 weeks until transfer and 10 days after that for results. I feel like it never ends. I have been on Lupron for a week and start Viville patches tomorrow. I am chomping at the bit here. I am honestly thinking "just get this over with so I can hull through all my 8 embryos and adopt". Yes, as you can tell I am not to hopeful anymore. In my mind this is our last year and we are moving on but who knows what will happen if none of it works. We may change our minds and try again.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Thought I was a genius

Today a friend asked me about an artist who had songs about infertility. I had heard of her before but thought I would freshen up on her songs. This started me down an emotional path of music on the subject. I Googled the term "songs about infertility". There were a few that popped up. I then thought "Wow, I should make a CD and sell it!" I know what you are thinking, I was too, I am a genuis. This may pay for treatment or I could be nice and use it as a fund raiser.
I went through a bunch of songs and started writing down the title and singer. It was a lot of fun. I started to come across many other people who had complied songs that either inspired them during their struggle or that were about the struggle. So, I guess I am not the genius that came up with it. I did come across this reggae song that made me feel good. It is kind of where I am at in life at the moment.

The song is "No Less Than a Women". It talks about not having kids doesn't make you less and that this is a time to help those kids out that don't have anyone. I have been spending a lot of time with kids, not that they don't have anyone, but non the less I would like to think in some way I have a motherly influence on them.


Thursday, September 23, 2010

Am I ready?

After taking a break and having mostly a lot of fun, it is now time to jump back on the infertility wagon. I started BC last week and will start Lupron injects in 2 weeks. I am not sure if it is the BC or the anticipation or both that is putting me on edge. We have 8 snow babies ready for us when we are. I am just not sure if I am ready to head down this road once again. I don't want to go through the ups and downs of it all. We are on our last leg of this journey and know that a year from now I will either be with a baby, pregnant or on my adoption journey.

Who knew that 7 years ago I would be here having to make decisions like this. I expected to have a 6 year old and a 4 year old, maybe even a 2 year old. I thought at 29 I would be done having kids and finishing up graduate school. Well, in a sense I will be done having kids or at least trying to have them. I am just not sure if I am ready to be done. I really hope something good happens this fall. I don't know how I will be able to handle the holidays this year with all the new babies in my family if I am once again without.

We will see.

Friday, August 13, 2010

What the Bible says

I came across this site for Christians struggling with infertility. Sometimes it is hard to know what the right choice is to make on these matters. They posted a few passages which I found comforting.

* That since God first created us "in His image," then the desire to procreate biological children (in our own image) is God-given. ~ Genesis 1:27-28

* That God deeply cares about the pain we face through infertility and lovingly gives us many examples of barren couples throughout the Bible so that we might know just how much our pain matters to Him. ~ Luke 8:43-48; Genesis 16:1; Genesis 25:21; Genesis 30:1; Judges 13:2-3; 1 Samuel 1:1 - 2:11; Proverbs 30:15-16; 2 Kings 4:14-17; Luke 1:5-7

This one relates to what I believe and many people keep telling me. It is all in his time.

"Notice that there was no particular sin in the life of either Zechariah or Elizabeth that was the cause of their childlessness. God kept Elizabeth childless until the proper time on His calendar."

Friday, July 30, 2010

Dust is settleing

Wow, these last few months, especially weeks, have been crazy. I am finally coming down from so much stress and heartbreak I am now feeling it all. It is weird when you are in the middle of it all you don't realize how you are actually feeling. When you have a chance to step back and process you realize what just happened. Right now I am in that mode, I am feeling really depressed now.

A couple weeks ago after my transfer I got a call from a co worker telling me I am getting laid off. It was all due to glitches and protocol in the HR system. This stressed me out like no other. I usually like to work out and do fun active things to relieve stress but due to my knee injuring and just having my transfer I couldn't. Less than a week later I found out that the cycle didn't work. I spent the week feeling numb but actually had a great weekend with family. I had fun and relaxed. I then learned my grandpa was not doing well so I went to visit him which was absolutely heartbreaking. He always took such good care of me and my family and now the tables were turned. I went back home feeling numb so I decided to come back only to have 1 more day with him. Seeing him in pain was so sad. I wanted to take all the pain away. I spent the week with my family making arrangements, talking about memories and really enjoying time together. I am now back to work and reality. My job is supposed to be secure but nothing is finalized so far.

I am hoping I am on my way up. DH said things happen in 3 so I should be done. I am now feeling everything. I am sick to my stomach constantly and just feeling so depressed. I hope that I can get out of this funk. I miss my grandpa the most at of all of this and don't care about the rest. I am so sad to know that he will never see me pregnant or as a mother on earth but I know he will be looking down on me in heaven.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

When will it be my turn?

Today was harsh. The first hour after my blood test was fine. I was hard at work (at home) knowing there would be lots of time. As the time got closer I couldn't focus. I was sweating and felt sick. We got the call with a BFN. I felt like someone stabbed me in the heart. I have been preparing myself for it because I just had a feeling it was not going to happen. DH is not taking it well. That hurts me even more. We talked about our frozen but I said "I am so sick of this and I don't want to do it anymore".
I will need time to heal. I usually want to go shopping but that didn't even sound good. I have been doing that a lot the last few weeks so maybe that is why. I feel so defeated and really don't think it will happen for us. I am scared. I also think about adoption and the roller coaster that will be if we go that route. I am just so tired of it all.