Thursday, June 18, 2009

I am ready!

I am trying to pick myself up from a rough week. I need to move on, think clearly and start figuring out plan B. I am trying to look at the good things that are now happening. I now don't have anything keeping me in Nor Cal and if I move I can go to an IVF clinic since I am paying out of pocket any way. I will be around family during this process, which may be helpful. If I do get pregnant and want to continue with school I can have lots of help that I didn't have before. I am listing to everyone trying to cheer me up and praying about it all. There is not a lot of time to stay down because that won't help. I think there was a total of 24hours of tears on and off and now it is time to move on. My boss told me that when I get down it doesn't last long. I let her know that I have worked really hard on that, IF has really taught me how to cope. I am ready for whatever God has in store for me and I am waiting for him to lead me in the right direction!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

A failure again

I just got another round of bad news. I did not get into grad school. My grades were to low. My first reaction was crying, then calling my family which none of them picked up! Then I got a hold of DH and cried to him. He said he was so sorry and wishes there was something he could do. They always want to fix it but they can't. After crying I went shopping, that always helps. Then I cried to my mom and now I am doing pretty good. I feel like a failure once again. It is weird how this made me start to think of IF and how I just want one thing that I have worked hard for to workout! I have always been okay at everything, that doesn't get you that far. I started to wonder if I am aiming too high. But seriously, having children, is that really to high? I feel barren and stupid. I know I shouldn't feel stupid because I know I am not. It just sucks that they can't see that I can do things when I work at it it is just that chemistry is really hard!! Well, now I am on to the next plan which is going to be interesting.