Wednesday, March 24, 2010

the good things in life

I am still upset about the recent news but I am moving on. I find when I am alone in the car I think about it the most. At night I think about what I would be doing if we had kids. It would be less TV and more making dinner, bath, play and bed. Sometimes I hate coming home from work to do "nothing". It is not really nothing. I do make dinner, clean up, workout, watch TV but it just doesn't feel great to do all that every night.

I was thinking about the good things about not being pregnant right now here is my list:
1. I get to drink coffee!!
2. I get to eat whatever I want, no more EZ diet
3. I can work out without restrictions
4. I get to go horseback riding on my vacation
5. I can stay out late and not worry about getting home to get my shots
6. Physically I feel good and normal, no more bloating or bruising
7. I don't need to find a babysitter to go out

These are a few things I am trying to enjoy. This morning I had coffee and French toast and I savored every bite!

Monday, March 22, 2010

The phone call

Last night I could not sleep. I have been going over scenarios in my head of how I would feel or react when we got the phone call. I woke up ready to get it all over with. I thought of all the things I would do if it did or didn't work. I did a few errands after my blood draw and went home. I just sat there for a bit. Then DH came home and we sat close together on the couch staring at the TV. I decided to rest a little. Just as I fell asleep the phone rang. I told DH to get it I couldn't bare to answer.

He answered and I knew right away it was not good news. He had a stone cold look on his face and said "uh hum. uh hum. okay thanks". Then I lost it. I felt like someone stabbed me in the heart. We are nearing the end of our dream and if it doesn't happen in the next round we are done! I can't believe it has been over 6 years and still no results. I feel so alone and so defeated. I did a little retail therapy and have decided if I can't have a baby then I will try my hardest to look good. haha

The good things are that I will have no more shots for a while, I don't have to be home at a certain time to give the shot, I can exercise and eat whatever I want. I still can't understand why this has happened to me and I may never understand but I will try to hold my head up high and trust that God will give us a family some day.
I want to wear this shirt so I have an excuse to be mean and no one will ask why! hehe

Monday, March 15, 2010

Hardwork is my middle name

My entire life I have been okay at everything. No matter what I did it wasn't easy. I always had to work hard in school, dance, cheer, etc. I mostly got what I wanted out of it but it was a lot of work, no natural talent here. I decided that having a baby is just another one of those things I have to work hard at. Having a baby for me does not come natural, obviously. I have to work hard at the diet my RE has me on, I have to give shots and take drugs everyday, and hold my bladder to transfer my eggs. One thing I am not afraid of is hard work. I am not afraid of all this hard work, I am just afraid of the outcome, not getting what I want.

I still have another week of waiting for the results. I am finding myself analyzing every feeling I have. If I feel nauseous, have a headache, backache, cramps, I think... OMG, did it work? I am thankful for my job that I get to go to tomorrow to keep my mind off this all.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Snow babies are in

Yesterday was my FET. Both snow babies, or shall we say snow angels (not in the "they went up to heaven" way but in the "precious" way) made it. One was still a raisin and the other looking perfect as can be. This is exactly how I thought it would turn out. DH had less expectations, he thought 1 wouldn't make it. I say it is mother's intuition. It was so much less stressful and relaxing. It wasn't scary like last time since I knew exactly what to expect. The good part was that I only drank 2.5 bottles of water instead of the previous 4.5, that was for sure Chinese water torture.

They were running late so we waited 45minutes for the nurse to call me back. I was excited! Then they checked my bladder for fullness and said I could pee for 4 seconds then go back and wait! Ugh. I was afraid I peed too long. I counted 1...2...3...4 but was it like when Ross (on FRIENDS) went to get a spray tan and said "1 hippopotamus, 2 hippopotamus, etc. and it was too long. So I decided to drink a little more water. Then I really had to go. They came back again in 15 minutes to check. Torture! I know it is full. They said I could pee again for 4 seconds. Are you kidding me! Who came up with 4 seconds. Is it like how a bartender does a 2 count to equal 2 ounces? I did it. Then finally they let us go back. I was ready to strip down but they said not yet we have to go over everything with you. They showed us our snow babies. Last time I lost it and I know DH got emotional too, this time nothing. It looked like cells. So, we were off. They implanted them, I went pee and we were on our way.

Now I am home, a little bored, resting. I have been working on scrap booking and catching up on sleep. I have to wait 10 long days to find out. I am in good spirits but if it works I think I will have a heart attack! We will see.