Friday, July 30, 2010

Dust is settleing

Wow, these last few months, especially weeks, have been crazy. I am finally coming down from so much stress and heartbreak I am now feeling it all. It is weird when you are in the middle of it all you don't realize how you are actually feeling. When you have a chance to step back and process you realize what just happened. Right now I am in that mode, I am feeling really depressed now.

A couple weeks ago after my transfer I got a call from a co worker telling me I am getting laid off. It was all due to glitches and protocol in the HR system. This stressed me out like no other. I usually like to work out and do fun active things to relieve stress but due to my knee injuring and just having my transfer I couldn't. Less than a week later I found out that the cycle didn't work. I spent the week feeling numb but actually had a great weekend with family. I had fun and relaxed. I then learned my grandpa was not doing well so I went to visit him which was absolutely heartbreaking. He always took such good care of me and my family and now the tables were turned. I went back home feeling numb so I decided to come back only to have 1 more day with him. Seeing him in pain was so sad. I wanted to take all the pain away. I spent the week with my family making arrangements, talking about memories and really enjoying time together. I am now back to work and reality. My job is supposed to be secure but nothing is finalized so far.

I am hoping I am on my way up. DH said things happen in 3 so I should be done. I am now feeling everything. I am sick to my stomach constantly and just feeling so depressed. I hope that I can get out of this funk. I miss my grandpa the most at of all of this and don't care about the rest. I am so sad to know that he will never see me pregnant or as a mother on earth but I know he will be looking down on me in heaven.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

When will it be my turn?

Today was harsh. The first hour after my blood test was fine. I was hard at work (at home) knowing there would be lots of time. As the time got closer I couldn't focus. I was sweating and felt sick. We got the call with a BFN. I felt like someone stabbed me in the heart. I have been preparing myself for it because I just had a feeling it was not going to happen. DH is not taking it well. That hurts me even more. We talked about our frozen but I said "I am so sick of this and I don't want to do it anymore".
I will need time to heal. I usually want to go shopping but that didn't even sound good. I have been doing that a lot the last few weeks so maybe that is why. I feel so defeated and really don't think it will happen for us. I am scared. I also think about adoption and the roller coaster that will be if we go that route. I am just so tired of it all.

Monday, July 5, 2010

The longest day ever!

After taking 3 HPT with no pink I realized that all my investing years ago in those things was not a good idea. Apparently they expire! I have been trying to keep busy today and have done an okay job at it but now I am restless. I really just want to know so I can move on with my summer. I am thinking it is a no for some reason. I am not sure why but I just do. I still don't feel well. I feel like I am going to start my period and it feels crappy. There is not much I can do about anything right now so I will watch my TV show and wait for my Dad to arrive. He will be here for 1 night for work. That will be a little distraction for a few hours.

I just want this to be over. It has been one long month!

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Someone is messing with me

I have been on a roller coaster this week. I haven't been feeling well but they are all signs of starting my period and side effects of the meds. It is really confusing. There have also been a lot of things going on at work and with family that have made my stress level high. It is not good timing. I am so over this and just want to know so I can move on.

I have been waiting and waiting and wondering if I should do a HPT. I keep putting it off and finally took one today.....I sat there looking at it. For a second I thought I saw it turn pink! I got really excited but realized it wasn't. In fact, the whole test was a flop! Nothing turned pink, not even what was supposed to! So there I was out of pee and no anwser still. I have a few more so I might try later but I am not sure if I can do it again.