Trying to move on

It has been less than a week since I found out it didn't work. Luckily I have been very busy both at work and in my social life. I haven't really had time to grieve, this may or may not be a good thing. I called the dr. for a follow up appointment to see if he still thinks we should continue down this path. I don't think we should . I also made a decision to get a second opinion. I am working on getting an appointment with another dr. which I will bring all my files too and see what they say. I am still dealing with my insurance and not getting anywhere. I started receive statements from my surgery, no payment yet! I am sure all the bills will come at Christmas time. I am just trying to stay positive and move forward. I know that I won't be doing anything until at least January so I plan on drinking coffee and working out a lot, things I can't always do during treatment. I want to start on Christmas shopping and making presents to keep me distracted. I have to trust that God will provide and get me through this.

BFN!

The verdict is in, I am not pregnant. I started my period last night. I knew all day it was coming but tried to keep busy. It came and I lost it. I am so sad. It actually came a few days early which is unusal. When I was on clomid it was always late some times by 8 days. This made me hopeful. We bought a test Friday night thinking we would test today but we didn't need too. I don't want to talk to anyone right now. I spent the day doing some retail therapy which usually helps but I didn't buy anything. I did get a hair cut which made me feel better. We are going to dinner tonight to celebrate our 6th wedding anniversary without any kids still. I get that question all the time.

Insurance again

I called the finical coordinator yesterday to try and work out my insurance. I left a nice long message saying how things hadn't been resolved before she left on vacation and I was waiting for it to be so I could get reimbursed. I gave her a day and half to get back to me. I will have to call again tomorrow. I was putting it off because I wanted to pretend like everything was over and I didn't have the energy to go back down that road.

I am not too far away from finding out if it worked. DH thought it would be nice to test on our anniversary this weekend. I said "well, that will make it really great or really crappy depending on the results. I just want it to be over.

Getting Anxious

I was doing well last week. Then on Monday I started to freak out. I was looking up early symptoms of pregnancy, like I don't know what they are. It made me really anxious. Then today I started feeling like I am going to start my period. I am really freaking out now. It is too early for it though but a lot of time I get symptoms a few days before I start. I started thinking "can I go through this again?" At this point I don't think I can for a while. I definitely need another break. I sure hope I am wrong about AF.

Coffee is not worth it.

I am a total coffee addict. Now that I am waiting to see if I am prego I have to cut back to 1 cup of decaf a day. I usually do one or so cups of regular. This has happened to me so many times that I am starting to drink decaf on a regular basis more often. On the weekends I usually make it at home and during the week go to Pete's or Starbucks. I made some this morning but only had regular, so I drank just a little. I went to the grocery store and saw the coffee section. I thought I should buy decaf for the weekends. I found the usual small container of Folgers that I love. I looked at the price and saw it was over $6. Wow, it used to be about $4. I stood there and contemplated....umm should I do it? Then I looked at other brands and they were all about the same. I keep standing there staring thinking we just spent so much money on treatment I really need to watch my pennies. Then I started thinking about how bad the economy is and this really made me notice how things went up in price. Finally I decided I could just drink some tea tomorrow and that will do it. Now I am thinking about the $1.55 I spend every morning for my cup of decaf or regular. If I go back and buy the $6 decaf and make it every morning I am sure it will last me at least 2 weeks which in the end will be cheaper. It is funny how your mind works. I won't pay $6 for a large on but I will pay $1.55 everyday.

the easy part is over

It may have seen like the last couple of weeks were difficult. Every night I gave myself a shot, all the blood draws and ultra sounds, the IUI's; that really was the easy part. After 2 days in a row of IUI's now we wait. This is the toughest part of it all. Now I can reflect back on all that I went through and how physically I am not feeling great. Now comes the emotional part where every little thing I feel in my body makes me wonder "could I be pregnant". It usually drives me nuts because obviously I haven't been. Now I will try to keep busy, eat healthy and take care of myself just in case while I wait.

Here we go!

I had my FINAL blood draw and ultra sound this morning. Thank goodness. I am getting sick of shots. Everything looks good. There are 2 big eggs, 19 and 18 and one smaller one. He said 2 maybe 3 will ovulate. I do a "trigger" shot tonight. This what we call it, it is ovidrial which triggers me to ovulate. Tomorrow I go in at 2pm for the IUI and again on Wednesday. They like to do it 2 days in a row to get you at the begining of ovulation and at the end. I am ready for this but also scared to death. I left about to cry but didn't have time since I had a dentist appointment right after with my favorite hygenist! (my friend A)

What are people thinking?

I went to the dr. this morning and had another u/s and blood draw. There was one good egg (18mm) and a lot of small. He couldn't see the other one that was big but the screen was fuzzy so it should be there somewhere. I will find out my E2 results tomorrow. He said I am getting close, usually eggs get to about 22mm. I will go in tomorrow morning, for the 6th and hopefully final u/s and blood draw. He thinks we will do the IUI Tuesday and Wednesday. They usually do 2 days in a row.

On another note, the nurse was a bit of a ding bat. When you work in the infertility clinic you would think you are very sensitive to your patients. People can be very upset when they are in there. Well, this lady wasn't so sensitive. She was very friendly, asking what our plans were for the weekend etc. Then she comes in the room and says "these are our latest miricles". She shows us a picture of her daughters new born twins. Since she called them miricles and they were twins, I know all babies are but IF ones I feel are a little bit more, I assumed her daughter had trouble. Yes, they were cute like I think all babies are. I asked her if they had trouble and she said no. She then went on to say she has 6 kids and 17 grandkids. Her some is just so fertile he has 8 of his own. Blah Blah Blah. Seriously, I could see the look on DH's face and knew he was thinking the same thing. After she walked out I said "way to make us feel like crap", he totally agreed. Why would you do that? She knew why we were there, we have done 4 failed IUI's and now were on our 5th with a new drug. That is really dumb on her part. I usually don't see her during the week so that is good.

Not enough

So today wasn't bad. I got to do some shopping in the morning, take a nap, then go to a one year old's birthday party. I knew I wouldn't be home in time to give myself a shot so we decided to pack a cooler and do it there. I was feeling a little sorry for myself when we got there and there was a 3 week old baby, the one year old, and a 2 year old. Luckily the one year old makes me smile so I just played with him. After the festivities it was time for the shot. I decided instead of bringing it into the house and going to the bathroom I would just do it in the car. DH came out to check on me but I didn't want him there just in case someone came out. I got the stuff ready; by the way I was very pleased at how well the meds stayed cool, maybe it was that I put 3 ice packs in. I pulled the syringe back and it looked a little funny. I thought maybe I should check and squirt out a little just in case. I did and there was nothing in there. Good thing I checked. I did it again, still didn't look right so I checked, nothing in there. I was getting worried so I jabbed it in the bottle one more time and saw the needle going through and bubbles came, what a relief. Then I realized I was 37IU short! Uh oh. DH said why don't you bring the new bottle just in case. No, we will be fine. Well we weren't. I gave my self the shot, by the way did I mention I felt like a heroin addict shooting up drugs in my car. I went in to tell DH that we were short. I was really nervous. He said when we got home to do the rest. Well of course I wanted to leave right then. He wanted to stay a little until everyone left. I sat there and stared at the clock worrying the entire time. Then just as people were leaving and we were really able to chat with the people we new I was ready to bolt. I felt so horrible but I told DH we had to go. He didn't want to but didn't question me, he knew why. I felt bad the whole way home and was nervous we screwed up. We came in and opened a new bottle. We were trying to hurry and of course we weren't careful and got it every where. I got the second shot but looked at it and said "there goes $100. Lets hope it works. Tomorrow I have another dr. appointment. I am really starting to hurt and get bloated and have 3 nice bruises.

Getting closer

I went to the dr. today and they saw 2 good size eggs on the good tube. There are still a bunch of tiny ones but he says they won't mature in time. I had to buy another box of gonal f. This made the end of the day stressful. I may be able to make it through the weekend with out another box. I may have the IUI as early as Sunday so I wanted to save money and not buy another box unless I had too. Well, the pharmacy is not open over the weekend and I couldn't take the chance. I decided to do this at 5pm. This gave me an hour to get there. Usually this is no big deal but there was a lot of traffic and wasn't exactly sure where to go, the place is huge. So I freaked out the whole way there. I was out the door by 5:45 big relief.

My E2 was 568 today, whoo hoo going up is good. I am getting really bloated and it is starting to hurt when I walk. I go back again on Sunday for another ultra sound and blood draw then they will give me further directions. I am getting excited and scared again. After they do the IUI it will be 2 weeks of hell waiting for results. I will need to keep busy some how.

This sums it up

The link to this video pretty much can tell everyone what we are going through and how to respond. Wow, it was a tear jerker for me and I learned a lesson: don't rub your eyes after crying when you just ate garlic it burns!

http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

A good harvest

Things are looking up. I went to the doctor today and we saw 9 eggs! Yes 9. This time there were 5 on my right, the good side, and 4 on the left. There were 4 good looking eggs on the right. My E2 level went up to 255 which is great. He said it may get up into the 1000's since there are so many eggs. I have been praying for the last few days that god blesses us one good egg on the good side. Well, not that a miracle has happened yet but I got 4 good looking ones on the good side so he has answered my prayers. They keep my meds the same. On Friday I go in for another ultra sound and blood draw. I should be doing the IUI early next week. I am looking forward to it. The guy who did the blood draw today wasn't very gentle. My arm hurt for a while. I like the ladies better, they are nicer =)

The doctor laughed at me. I asked him about my E2 level being high then dropping. I said I did some research on it, he cut me off and chuckled "You did research". I said of course that is what I do, I want to know what everything is. He said I was correct that is was a sign of low ovarian reserve and that I did have a high FSH before. He said don't worry right now things are coming along well. I am not one of those people who just goes in wanting the doctor to tell them a little and prescribe something. I want to know why, how and if you don't give it to me I will figure it out. I continue to pray that everything goes well, that is all I can do at this point.

E2 yoyo

I got my E2 results today. It dropped down to 77. I asked if it was normal to drop and she said in a polite way not really. Maybe I read into it. I guess everyone is different but I think it is unusual to drop after being so high. She wasn't concerned since I had 3 follicles that looked really good. I will stay at 150IU until Wednesday when I go in for another ultra sound and blood draw. They may actually up the dose more. I am starting to get bloated so I will need to start wearing my fat shirts, good thing they are in style! I have had a headache all day and feel really tired. This may be that I was out all day yesterday. I am trying to keep my mind off things. I keep researching what all the numbers mean but I may be driving myself crazy. Luckily DH called to say he is bringing home Chevy's. Yummmm. I haven't had it in a while. Good food always makes you feel better.

5 little eggs

On Friday my E2 or estradial was 169. This tells where the eggs are at in development. Because it was high, should be around 100, they reduced my meds to 75IU. This morning I went to get an ultra sound and another E2 test. I was a little surprised when the doctor came in and it wasn't my doctor or even the one I see sometimes on the weekend. He didn't even introduce himself. Oh well. I have 5 follicles right now. One on the right and 4 on the left. I was a little surprised that I only had 5 I thought I would have like 7. There are 3 that look promising all on the left. This means my left side is gonna hurt!

Since I only had 5 and my E2 was high they bumped up my meds back up to 150IU. They will give me the E2 results tomorrow which may change my meds again. The bad news is my E2 levels shouldn't be this high with only 5 follicles. A couple of years ago I had an FSH level test which test the quality and ovarian reserve of your eggs. It was 13.5 at my age it should be under 10. They didn't seem to concerned with it but it has been in the back of my mind. I just looked up the E2 level and found that it goes back to having a low ovarian reserve. This makes me sad. It is not that I can't ever have a baby but my chances get lower and lower as time goes by because of my eggs. After FSH reaches 16 then it gets worse so I have a little time. This is all my research and the doctor really doesn't mention it but I am going to ask about it in a few days. They said I will probably go back on Tuesday or Wednesday for another ultra sound and E2.

The shots are going well. The only thing is I am bruising. I have 4 tiny burses on my stomach. The one from last night looks the worst. I was thinking about making a pattern, maybe a heart or smiley face =) I had to do enough shots to make a smiley face on each side. This is totally weird but I think it would lighten the mood.

Infertility can get you out of a ticket

Today I was on my way to get a blood draw. I was down the street when a motorcycle cop pulled me over. Usually when you get pulled over they ask you why you think you were pulled over and where you were heading. I knew I wasn't speeding so the only thing I could think of was registration.
Let me back up alittle. DH bought a car and we are trying to sell his truck. It has been sitting in the drive way for a couple of months. Last week we needed it for some work we had to do so we renewed insurance on it to drive it. The last couple of weeks my car has felt funny. I needed 4 tires replace and we only got 2 a couple of months ago so I figured the other 2 were ready to be replaced. I thought since we are paying for IUI I would drive the truck for a couple of weeks.

I was right about the expired tags. I was thinking to myself if he asks where I was going should I say the med center? for a blood draw? to a dr. appointment? or would he be sympathetic to fertility treatment? I decided to tell him fertility treatments and that is why we can't afford new tires for my car and registration. Unfortunately he didn't ask! Boooo. He was actually really nice and I explained we were trying to sell it. He gave me a fix it ticket. He asked for my insurance but I couldn't find it, I don't think the new card was in the car yet. He asked for an old one, couldn't find that, DH keeps all kinds of crap in the car. He asked me if I was telling the truth and I said yes. Then I found an old one. He said I looked honest and he wouldn't fine me or write a fix it ticket for that.
I guess it is $900 if you don't have insurance. I would have lost it then and said "Please don't do that we are trying to have a baby, that could by 3 boxes of Gonal f". It is funny that everything I do now makes me think what I can do for that.
There is a vitamin B study where I work and I thought hmmm....it pays $250 that would buy 1/2 an ultrasound. Weird I know! I am just waiting now to hear from the nurse my lab results so I know how much GF I need to shoot myself with tonight.

The morning after

Last night I did my first Gonal f shot. This morning I woke up fine but as I was driving to work I got a headache. I get them on ocasion, especially after I do a lot of shoulder work outs, which I did last night. I also had a stomach ache and a sharp pain in my side all day. Is this from GF? I sure hope not. If so I am in for a long 2 weeks because I only did one shot and feel like crap. I looked at the side effects:

ovarian enlargement presenting as abdominal or pelvic pain, tenderness, pressure, or swelling;
nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, or flatulence (gas);
fever or chills;
headache;
dizziness;
rapid pulse or heart rate;
muscle or joint weakness or aching;
breast tenderness;
spotting or menstrual changes;
pain, swelling, or irritation at the injection site; or
dry skin, a rash, or hair loss.

Lets see....headache (check), nausea (check), diarrhea (check), pelvic pain (check), muscle aching (check)

Not all but a few. I can't wait for hair loss and ovarian enlargement. We will see how I feel tomorrow. I will have 2 holes in my stomach and one in my arm. I hope I don't start leaking after I drink water.

Dismantling a Bomb

I did it!! or shall I say WE did it. The first shot of Gonal f was successful. It didn't really hurt which is good and by the 12th time I do it I'm sure it will be cake. After we finished I felt a little like we just dismantled a bomb in the movies. We got out the meds and I pulled out the directions. DH prepared the meds and I started reading. First do this and I would watch as he so carefully did what I said. Next do that, again he was so careful and waited until I finished to start on each step. It was as though I was saying "first cross the blue wire over the red etc.." Then it was my turn. He handed over the needle as though it was a precious bomb that could go off at anytime. I pinched my skin and as I was shaking I counted down 3,2,1 and jabbed it in. DH watched from the side as I counted slowly to 5 then pulled it out. We both made a sigh of relief and we were done. We smiled and I said " same time tomorrow".

I feel like we just accomplished something great as a team and hope that each night that same feeling will come. Let's hope that the bomb doesn't go off and we save the world, or just have a baby.

Job opening

The other day I was thinking about how much organizational skills it takes to go through a treatment. I am not doing IVF but IUI with injections is close. I feel like there should be a job description posted when you start and you need to see if you are qualified. The description would be something like this.

Seeking potential mother

Qualifications:
well organized
ability to mulittasks
works well with others
basic math skills required
ability to work well in stressful environment
flexible
good communication skills
ability to prioritze and make difficult decisions
must be able to work weekends and holidays


I am sure I am missing some. Luckily I am skilled in many of these areas so I hope I get the job. I have been thinking about other people they may not be this way and I can't imagine how stressful it is trying to keep it all straight.

I start shots tonight! Wish me luck.