Thankful

The day before Thanksgiving I was talking to my grandma. My grandparents are always telling me how wonderful I am so if I ever feel down I always call them =) After talking about my grandpa's declining health then about my infertility we both were down in the dumps. Before we hung up my grandma told me that although we have a lot on our plate right now there is always a lot to be thankful for. I totally agree so I started thinking of what I am thankful for and the list ran on and on.

• God
• a great family and husband
• food on my table
• a job
• health insurance
• 2 dogs that bring me joy
• a car
• the opportunity to go to school
• overall good health
• a roof over my head
• the ability to help others
• a good head on my shoulders
• friends

......and much much more

Perseverance

It seems that lately every Sunday when I go to church or teach Sunday school I feel like everything is directed at me. I guess with almost any message you can find a reason for that but it just seems so much more then that. The last few weeks we have talked about Abraham and Sarah not having a baby then they were blessed with Isaac. In service we talked about perserverance. The pastor went through a few reasons why people continue to perservere. What I really liked about it was that God wants you to do that.

I feel like right now that is what I am doing. In my life there have been a few things that I have had to perserve through but those things are nothing compared to what I am dealing with now. This topic allowed me to be proud of myself for doing what God wants and not giving up. At times I just want to throw in the towel and be done. Every once and a while I need something to lift me up so that I can keep going.

Right now I am focusing on PERSERVERANCE!

Not what I wanted to hear

I went to the dr. yesterday. I have been anxiously awaiting this visit. I don't know what I want to hear anymore. The first thing he said when we walked in was "Do you want to talk about IVF". This was a little bit shocking. Before he keep saying we were far away from it. After this last treatment I guess we are closer. We reviewed everything that we had done and the little things that are coming up. He said we can do another round of IUI with Gonal f but he would up the dose. He wanted to see 4 or 5 mature eggs and I got only 2 maybe 3. This was still good but not what he was expecting. We can also jump right into IVF. Wow! Although I was pushing for it earlier this year I felt that it was my decision. When the dr. tells you that things are not working and this is better it is like a slap in the face. The scary thing is that we may only have one shot and then that is it!

I talked to him about Celiac disease and how it causes premature menopause, what I have. He was very interested and wanted me to keep looking into it. We decided to do another IUI after Christmas and if it doesn't work we will start saving for IVF. I had a good cry and I am ready for the battle to begin again.

A lot like Sarah

Yesterday I continued the story about Sarah and Abraham not being able to have children in Sunday school. I had to act out the part about being sad for not having children. This wasn't hard to do. There was a poem in the curriculum that was supposed to be read to the kids about not having kids. It ended with Sarah saying that she felt a kick and was having a baby. Next week Isaac will be born, in the story. This was a hard story to read but it also gave me hope again.

I have been reading a lot about Celiac Disease. It appears that pre mature menopause is caused; this is what I have. I have an appointment in late December to be tested but I am going to try to get tested on Thursday at UCD. I did read that it is reversible with a gluten free diet! This is great if it is what I have. The only thing I don't like is that you should not stop eating wheat if you haven't been diagnosed yet because it can mess up the diagnoses. This is difficult since I have not been eating it for a week, except my splurge on Saturday. I don't want to wait another month because I could be starting to reverse things right now.

Today I need to call my insurance and see how that mess is going. I hope it all works out.

Fitting In

The other day some friends and I were talking about fitting in the norm of America. You must get married and shortly after have kids, raise them, have grand kids, and as one women put it "then die". After this conversation I have decided I will never fit in anywhere. When I was young I fit in most of the time but being raised in a Christian family made me different. I wasn't always able to do things that many of my friends did, which was fine with me, most of the time. Then I found my husband in high school when most of my friends were single. Again, I had a serious boyfriend and didn't fit in.
After high school was college where I didn't party like a lot of new friends I made and was starting to think about marriage. I got married at 21 which was not normal for my age. None of my friends understood what it was like and I tried to make new ones but the married ones were older. So now I find the married ones but I didn't fit in because I was so young.
I am now 27 with friends my age who are married and older friends who are married. I thought I was starting to fit in until they all started having kids. Here I am again not fitting in.
The one thing I remember about not fitting in and liking it was in high school when I had my "own" style of dress. I got made fun of at times but I never wanted to see someone with the same clothes as me and I liked it that way. Now that I don't fit in because I don't have kids I need to find something that will make me like it.
The one good thing about not fitting in is I have a lot of freedom, which I will give up in a heart beat to have kids. I am a part of a secret society of women that only me and them can understand. Like my grandma said "you have always wanted to be different". This is true but do I really want to be different like this? Not really but I will embrace it for now.

God has good plans for us

I have been teaching Sunday school in the 2 year old class for the last 3 months. It is a lot of fun. I find myself learning each week just like the kids. This week was very close to me. I read the story of Abram and Sarai. They had everything you could ever ask for. A great marriage, a good flock of sheep, large land that was great for food and their sheep. The only thing they were missing was a family. They were both older and weren't sure why they haven't had any kids yet. Abram thanked God for all he had but asked why no children. God told him to look at the stars in the sky and said that his family will be as great as all those stars. This meant he will have children, grandchildren, great grandchildren etc. He told him that he has a plan for him.

We had the kids say many times through out the lesson " God has good plans for us". Every time I said it with them it made me think of my family plans. My family keep telling me God has a plan for DH and I but it is becoming redundant. I agree with them but the more it is said the more I am like, yeah I know. After reading this story it renewed my faith that we will have a family some day. I have everything I need right now and have to wait for the next step.

great words

I just bought a new album from one of my favorite artist, Celine Dion. Her songs are about love. Most would think of their significant other, which I do at times. After buying the album I have been really listening to the words and found that it is like I am singing it to my unborn child. Whether it is from my genes or not. This song brings me hope.

My love, we have seen it all
The Endless confession,The rise and fall
As fragile as a child
Lately I'm sorry I can't hold a smile But I stand tall to get by No matter how hard I try to hide
Did you know I take the time for you
Did you know that I would see you through
Did you know that I would play the part
I must've made it clear right from the start
My love, can you give me strength
Somehow I forgot how to ease my pain I know I'm right where
I belong Something from nothing never proved me wrong
But I stand tall to get by
No matter how hard I try to hide
Did you know I take the time for you


The part I like the most is about standing tall. It makes me think of how strong I have become from all of this. I never knew I had this kind of strength. If I continue to stand tall I think I can make it through.

Ughhh

I spent a couple of hours this weekend getting all my paperwork together of everything I have done. It was a lot more than I thought. I made a table of test and procedures I have had and what the results were. I can give this to the dr. that we will be seeing for a second opinion. I have been driving myself crazy the last few days. I am listening to sad music feeling sorry for myself. I was doing so well until Halloween. We went to a party and were the only ones without kids. We were in a way "praised" for not being tied down. If only they knew what we have been through to be "tied down". I really hate when people say that. It is not their fault, they have no idea.
I was shown this website. It would be a great place for Christmas gifts for us!

http://shop.cafepress.com/infertile