No baby again

After what it seems like months of IVF stuff we found out yesterday it didn't work. I am feeling numb to it all. The night before I freaked out and had a feeling it was going to be bad. After crying for 20 minutes I decided to go shopping. It didn't help much but it made the day move fast. I have been asking God for peace and to accept what happens good or bad. Maybe this is why I don't feel much and maybe since it has been this way for so long I am used to it.

Sigh

First pictures

Here are our first baby pictures. These two little embryos are in my belly right now. I am only days away of finding out if it worked. I am not thinking about it too much but I am sure it will be hard the day of. I do think about what I went through and I don't really want to do it again but I will do what ever it takes.

the verdict is in...

After not sleeping all night last night I woke up to a call from the embryologist to tell me my little emibes are looking great and that I will be doing my transfer on Friday morning. My beeeeehind hurt so bad all night from my shot and the other side hurt from the othe 2 shots so I wasn't able to find a comfortable postion. Now I have 2 days to stay busy so I don't freak out! I had a feeling this would be the case but wasn't sure so I wasn't that nervous but now I am starting to feel it. I will spend the day getting a pedi and baking before Bible study tonight.
Deep Breath!!!

Here is the embryo break down. They said they like to see at least 3 of them at 6 cells or more so I am doing well.

Total= 9
1- 10 cell
5- 8 cell
1- 7 cell
1- 6 cell
1- 2 to 5 cell

The true meaning of intramuscular

Today is potentially the day before transfer. I thought I would be really nervous but I am feeling pretty good. I was busy with friends all day. It was the first day in over a week where I would actually walk with out much pain. It felt good to be able to pick up my house a little and not worry about the chemicals when I cleaned the bathroom. I didn't do everything but I figure if it doesn't happen tomorrow I will have 2 more days to clean.
DH and I have a high self efficacy when it comes to shots now a days. Today I wasn't nervous at all when the clock struck 9pm. We went in to the bathroom and mixed our concoction with ease. I bent over on the bed, I am sure you have a nice visual right now haha. We both took a deep breath and all of the sudden....OH MY GOSH! So, let me describe the feeling. I barely felt the needle go in but as soon as it hit the muscle it felt like someone had just hit me with their knuckle in the same spot about 20 times. My reaction was a yelp then laughter. Not only was it the weirdest feeling ever, it tickled too. I couldn't stay still as DH yelled and me to stop moving and stop laughing.
I now know that this is what it was supposed to feel like and that we didn't do it totally right the last 2 nights. I had him do it a little lower where my muscle actually was. When he took out the needle and realized I was not in pain, well almost, he started laughing too. Now I am totally hurting on my hinnie and will probably feel this for a while.
We will even the score with my other cheek tomorrow!

The painful part is over....I think

After eating a huge meal on Saturday night, couldn't eat after 11:30pm until after retrieval, I actually sleep pretty well. We headed off to retrieval where I only had a to wait 20 minutes. They got me set and I was was surprisingly very calm. I have been asking God to keep me calm and not to be anxious. I know that no matter how I feel that will not change His will.
Everything went pretty smooth. When I woke up from my little nap I couldn't figure out where I was so I started crying! haha. I was so confused and my stomach hurt. Then I realized what happened and started laughing telling the nurses, "sorry, I forgot what was going on". They were all very sweet to me. Not too long after I was out the door. I asked them when I would learn how to do the PIO shot and they said they already showed DH. My first reaction was ummm....can you show me too? The only thing was I wasn't completely with it to share my thoughts so we headed home. We stopped at Togo's to get soup and sandwiches. It was the best lunch ever! After not eating all day I was famished.

I spent the day resting. I had really bad cramping and could not get comfortable. No matter how I sat it hurt. I would stand and walk around until that hurt then sit and repeat. Then came time for the PIO shot. I started out icing, did I mention they drew circles on my hinnie so DH knew where to aim? I wanted to make sure it was nice and numb. Then we got the stuff. Both of us were so nervous. I asked him what to do and he wasn't totally sure. Of course it made me mad! He was supposed to know they showed him not me. He calmed down and we figured it out. The only problem was there were two needles. One much larger than the other. I assumed that the smaller one was to inject. I got on the bed and we both laughed and said we were afraid. DH didn't want to do it but I told him to get over it because he had too. He jabbed it in and it actually didn't hurt that bad. Then he noticed that the oil was coming out and there was no bump. It seemed like it went too fast. I thought it really wasn't bad...hmmmm.. is that okay? So we sat there wondering if we did it right. I decided after 45minutes of stewing and worrying I would Google it, gotta love the Google Gods. Yep, we used the wrong needle!

We were now both freaked out. DH said we should page the RE but I wasn't sure so I made him do it. 30 minutes later he didn't call back so we did it again. He still didn't call back, luckily we were not dying! So all night we sat there starring wondering if we messed up big time. Finally we went to bed. I had my first bout of being a worried mother. I thought about my little embies all night. Were they being taken good care of? Were they warm and cozy? I was in a lot of pain all night but woke up feeling pretty good.

I was able to call the nurse this morning and she said it was okay that we used the wrong needle but to make sure we did the right one tonight. I also have 2 estrogen patches on my belly. It looks like someone is drawing all over me. We have to right the date on the patches so I know when to change them, I have 2 big circles on me and a band aid from the shot.

Here is the results from my eggs
16 retrieved
13 mature for ICSI
9 fertilized (2PN)
3 not sure need to wait until Wednesday
1 black (didn't make it)

I think things are looking good. Now I just have to continue to be calm and wait for transfer.

Pulled the trigger

Today was a really long day. I rested a lot and was feeling really good. Then I was bored so I wanted to get out of the house. We went to dinner and decided to finally finish the last person on our Christmas list which ended up including gifts for ourselves. Walking the mall after a large meal was not the best idea. I was glad to have the evening go by fast but I was in a lot of pain. I realized the reason why I felt so good today was that I did nothing!

At 10pm I did my trigger shot. It was more complicated then the others. I had to mix a powder with water using a large needle. Then I had to switch the needle and use a smaller one to inject. It was actually bigger then my other needles so it did hurt. DH helped mix because I was nervous about it. It bleed a lot, I think I am running out of spots. I have a few bruises right now that hit my pants so tomorrow I will be wearing my lovely sweats all day. We go in on Sunday at 9am and I will start retrieval at 10 am. I hope it all goes well and my little eggs fertilize!

Almost time

I went to the RE today hoping he would say "your eggs look great lets take them out now!". Unfortunately he did not say that. He wants me to do one more day of shots. I had a feeling this would happen since I usually ovulate later in the month. I want it all to go well so I can't be too disappointed but I was hoping for sooner rather than later. I am getting really uncomfortable. I have a continuous dull pain in both sides, my back and hips are now achy and it hurts to walk and sit. I have been going into work feel okay then after a couple of hours I can't wait to get home. I just need to keep busy and try to stay comfortable for now. I don't know if after I do my HCG shot I will start to feel a little better. We will see.

I have been doing a little retail therapy. I can't really eat much and when I do I don't feel well so I thought instead of eating I will go shopping. It has been a good distraction and I found myself wanting to buy comfy clothes. I am thinking about what will satisfy me now and probably not wear them much later.

Everthing can be related back to FRIENDS

My favorite show in the entire world is FRIENDS. I watch it everyday and hopefully will finally have all 10 seasons on Christmas day! I can always relate back to something that happened in FRIENDS that mimics what I am going through. One thing is the song Phoebe sings when she is waiting to see if her IVF works with her brothers babies.
Tonight I thought of another. I am really anxious and have been for a couple of days. I went to the RE today and they saw 13 eggs. I am feeling uncomfortable just sitting here with all those eggs and they are still developing. I go back on Thursday to check and expect to retrieve on Saturday. The problem tonight is that I worked from home in the afternoon because I could not sit at work. But now I have been home since 1:30, now 8pm, and I am going crazy. I usually do something like workout, run errands, cook etc. The problem is I don't feel well enough to do anything but sit. When I can't do the rest I love to clean! That keeps me busy and I love the after math of my clean house. Yet again I can't lift much and walking back and forth hurts. I also don't want to breath in chemicals. You may be wondering how this goes back to FRIENDS. Last night I was watching an episode where Chandler gets a housekeeper for Monica. She is so excited because her house is spotless but she gets anxious. She says..."when I am anxious I clean!" but she can't because it is already clean.

This is how I feel right now. I am not looking forward to the next couple of weeks where I need to lay low but get bored and make the days long!

Hurry up and wait

It is the night before my first ultra sound to see where I am at. I think I over did it today since I am now really feeling those eggs! I will take this as a sign to lay low. I am really anxious right now. I don't feel like eating, I am trying to clean up the house so I won't have to during my rest but I don't really feel like it. I feel like doing something but not...if that makes sense. I just want it to be over. The time has really flown by but I think this is where it will get really difficult. I think my restful days are going to drive me nuts. I have a lot of relaxing things planned but can you really plan to relax?

UGH!

Do I really trust him?

I am probably less than a week away now from my egg retrieval. I am trying to keep busy so it gets here soon. I am starting to really feel the eggs growing and have a lot of bruises. A couple of nights ago I decided it would be a good idea for DH to give me a shot for practice since he will soon have to give me them in the behind. I got it ready but saw the way he was holding it, like he was going to kill someone. I thought um... should I let him do this. We both started laughing which didn't help because I needed to stay still. I told him to watch how I held it. Then I decided he needed to watch me do it once and I would let him do it tomorrow. He was looking at me with such horror when I was going to do it that I made him turn around.

The next night I thought he should be ready this time. He saw how it was done. I showed him again how to do it and said stab it in but don't try to kill me. We both were getting ready and finally stopped laughing. He said I couldn't look at him. I looked away as he did the 1,2,3 thing, Um....no please don't do it like that. I said "be careful". He touched my stomach at which I knew he was going to go in too slow and hurt me so I stopped him and took it away.

Tonight I just did it myself, maybe tomorrow I will actually let him! haha

Side Effects and Mood Swings

Last night after a lot of frustration I wrote a little blog only to accidentally delete it! So I will re cap and add a little more. It has been difficult to sleep the last couple of nights. I wake up a lot and have been having hot flashes along with frequent urination. These are all side effects of one of the 4 meds I am on. I am really tired this morning after two restless nights. I also woke up with a large tummy. I am starting to feel a little bit going on in there. The shots are not too bad but I was a little nervous trying to do it right once again. I pulled out my 300IU pen and realized if you subtract 262.5 from 300 you on get 27.5 IU left which is no enough for a second dose. This was after putting the needle on and clicking the knob. So I thought do I stick myself twice using two needles to get a full dose? Then I would need to calculate how much in each pen and would continue doing this until I am even. Since my stomach is now full of holes I decided just to open a new pen. My RE said to bring in extra meds and they can make a dose out of it. So, that is what I will do.

I placed the needle on the new pen and made sure I was doing it right. It didn't bleed and I was starting to second guess myself. "was there really any medicine in there? Did I do it right?" Oh well, what can ya do. Now it was time to take off the needles. They should pop off but they were not. I was pulling on one and ended up cutting my finger with it. It hurt! Then it popped off and flew in the air. Oh, did I mention I yelled for DH to help because now I was mad at him that it wouldn't come off. haha (mood swing). He didn't hear me so I finally did it myself. I was so mad at him for not helping yet I never really asked him. I went into the other room to let him know how mad I was at him and he said that all I needed to do was come and get him since he didn't hear me. Okay, I guess I can't be mad. Then I almost started crying, for no reason. Then I was fine and tired. I decided to blog because it was now starting to seem funny. I finished and tried for the 3rd time to upload a video and accidentally deleted the post. Anger was back and I just gave up!

Can't wait to do it all again tonight!