The last couple of weeks have been rough. One thing after another went wrong and this time it had nothing to do with my lack of child baring skills. The last couple of days I started to realize I am really happy and feeling good right now. I am trying new things and doing old things I was putting on hold. My clothes are feeling good, no bloating, and I can exercise which relieves stress and helps my clothes fit. I have also realized that through my journey to motherhood I am finding a new journey with the Lord. I believe He is the #1 contributor to my happiness right now. I spent so much time "coping" with this horrible thing that I lost site in what else is around. I spent a lot of time talking about it, praying about it, writing about it, and reading about it. A few different things have piqued my interest lately and now I read, talk and write about that. It has really helped me cope by focusing on other things. Don't get me wrong it is still a difficult time but now is the time to look at other things in life.
Everyone always says things happen for a reason and God has a plan. I know this! But... do I really? I am trying to control it but I don't have control. Right now I am trying to put down the reigns and let God lead. Maybe He wanted to work on my journey with Him before I had a child. I have learned so much about marriage and relationships lately that will prepare me for motherhood. Maybe I wasn't ready, although I think I am.
I will continue on my journey and try to refocus my life for now. I have a month before I jump back on the fertility wagon but I am going to do my best to keep this attitude and new found peace during it all.
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