Dust is settleing

Wow, these last few months, especially weeks, have been crazy. I am finally coming down from so much stress and heartbreak I am now feeling it all. It is weird when you are in the middle of it all you don't realize how you are actually feeling. When you have a chance to step back and process you realize what just happened. Right now I am in that mode, I am feeling really depressed now.

A couple weeks ago after my transfer I got a call from a co worker telling me I am getting laid off. It was all due to glitches and protocol in the HR system. This stressed me out like no other. I usually like to work out and do fun active things to relieve stress but due to my knee injuring and just having my transfer I couldn't. Less than a week later I found out that the cycle didn't work. I spent the week feeling numb but actually had a great weekend with family. I had fun and relaxed. I then learned my grandpa was not doing well so I went to visit him which was absolutely heartbreaking. He always took such good care of me and my family and now the tables were turned. I went back home feeling numb so I decided to come back only to have 1 more day with him. Seeing him in pain was so sad. I wanted to take all the pain away. I spent the week with my family making arrangements, talking about memories and really enjoying time together. I am now back to work and reality. My job is supposed to be secure but nothing is finalized so far.

I am hoping I am on my way up. DH said things happen in 3 so I should be done. I am now feeling everything. I am sick to my stomach constantly and just feeling so depressed. I hope that I can get out of this funk. I miss my grandpa the most at of all of this and don't care about the rest. I am so sad to know that he will never see me pregnant or as a mother on earth but I know he will be looking down on me in heaven.

When will it be my turn?

Today was harsh. The first hour after my blood test was fine. I was hard at work (at home) knowing there would be lots of time. As the time got closer I couldn't focus. I was sweating and felt sick. We got the call with a BFN. I felt like someone stabbed me in the heart. I have been preparing myself for it because I just had a feeling it was not going to happen. DH is not taking it well. That hurts me even more. We talked about our frozen but I said "I am so sick of this and I don't want to do it anymore".
I will need time to heal. I usually want to go shopping but that didn't even sound good. I have been doing that a lot the last few weeks so maybe that is why. I feel so defeated and really don't think it will happen for us. I am scared. I also think about adoption and the roller coaster that will be if we go that route. I am just so tired of it all.

The longest day ever!

After taking 3 HPT with no pink I realized that all my investing years ago in those things was not a good idea. Apparently they expire! I have been trying to keep busy today and have done an okay job at it but now I am restless. I really just want to know so I can move on with my summer. I am thinking it is a no for some reason. I am not sure why but I just do. I still don't feel well. I feel like I am going to start my period and it feels crappy. There is not much I can do about anything right now so I will watch my TV show and wait for my Dad to arrive. He will be here for 1 night for work. That will be a little distraction for a few hours.

I just want this to be over. It has been one long month!

Someone is messing with me

I have been on a roller coaster this week. I haven't been feeling well but they are all signs of starting my period and side effects of the meds. It is really confusing. There have also been a lot of things going on at work and with family that have made my stress level high. It is not good timing. I am so over this and just want to know so I can move on.

I have been waiting and waiting and wondering if I should do a HPT. I keep putting it off and finally took one today.....I sat there looking at it. For a second I thought I saw it turn pink! I got really excited but realized it wasn't. In fact, the whole test was a flop! Nothing turned pink, not even what was supposed to! So there I was out of pee and no anwser still. I have a few more so I might try later but I am not sure if I can do it again.