3 days and counting

I made it through my 2nd FET and have 3 long days left of waiting for the results. I have had a few melt downs through the process and don't feel like myself. I am surrounded by pregnancy and new babies and it is killing me. No one really seems to understand I don't want to hear or talk about it, unless I bring it up. My IF friends are just about the only people I can handle seeing their babies because I know what a blessing they are to them.
I started thinking the other day about all the people I avoid and all the hurt and pain I have over this. I wonder when this is all over ,whether we have biological kids or adopt, will all my troubles be gone? What else will come in the way of me avoiding people. Will it be that their kid does better in school than mine? Or is healthier than mine? Or behaves better? I am leaning on the hope that having a baby will solve my problems but I know that new ones will arise. Rarely in life is everything smooth sailing. I have dealt with this for so long I almost don't even know life without it.
For now I will be filling my days with lots of stuff so it will go by fast. I think the longest day will be Friday. I hate waiting by the phone for the dreaded call. I answered the first time and could barely speak when she told me it was negative. Now I have DH answer and I stare at him and can tell by the look on his face and his response.

Okay, no I just made myself really scared!!

Is it over yet?

I have been ready to do my next FET cycle since the beginning of September. Here I am heading toward the middle of October and I still have 3 weeks until transfer and 10 days after that for results. I feel like it never ends. I have been on Lupron for a week and start Viville patches tomorrow. I am chomping at the bit here. I am honestly thinking "just get this over with so I can hull through all my 8 embryos and adopt". Yes, as you can tell I am not to hopeful anymore. In my mind this is our last year and we are moving on but who knows what will happen if none of it works. We may change our minds and try again.

Thought I was a genius

Today a friend asked me about an artist who had songs about infertility. I had heard of her before but thought I would freshen up on her songs. This started me down an emotional path of music on the subject. I Googled the term "songs about infertility". There were a few that popped up. I then thought "Wow, I should make a CD and sell it!" I know what you are thinking, I was too, I am a genuis. This may pay for treatment or I could be nice and use it as a fund raiser.
I went through a bunch of songs and started writing down the title and singer. It was a lot of fun. I started to come across many other people who had complied songs that either inspired them during their struggle or that were about the struggle. So, I guess I am not the genius that came up with it. I did come across this reggae song that made me feel good. It is kind of where I am at in life at the moment.

The song is "No Less Than a Women". It talks about not having kids doesn't make you less and that this is a time to help those kids out that don't have anyone. I have been spending a lot of time with kids, not that they don't have anyone, but non the less I would like to think in some way I have a motherly influence on them.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ggirUh6Jmo

Am I ready?

After taking a break and having mostly a lot of fun, it is now time to jump back on the infertility wagon. I started BC last week and will start Lupron injects in 2 weeks. I am not sure if it is the BC or the anticipation or both that is putting me on edge. We have 8 snow babies ready for us when we are. I am just not sure if I am ready to head down this road once again. I don't want to go through the ups and downs of it all. We are on our last leg of this journey and know that a year from now I will either be with a baby, pregnant or on my adoption journey.

Who knew that 7 years ago I would be here having to make decisions like this. I expected to have a 6 year old and a 4 year old, maybe even a 2 year old. I thought at 29 I would be done having kids and finishing up graduate school. Well, in a sense I will be done having kids or at least trying to have them. I am just not sure if I am ready to be done. I really hope something good happens this fall. I don't know how I will be able to handle the holidays this year with all the new babies in my family if I am once again without.

We will see.

What the Bible says

I came across this site for Christians struggling with infertility. Sometimes it is hard to know what the right choice is to make on these matters. They posted a few passages which I found comforting.

* That since God first created us "in His image," then the desire to procreate biological children (in our own image) is God-given. ~ Genesis 1:27-28

* That God deeply cares about the pain we face through infertility and lovingly gives us many examples of barren couples throughout the Bible so that we might know just how much our pain matters to Him. ~ Luke 8:43-48; Genesis 16:1; Genesis 25:21; Genesis 30:1; Judges 13:2-3; 1 Samuel 1:1 - 2:11; Proverbs 30:15-16; 2 Kings 4:14-17; Luke 1:5-7

This one relates to what I believe and many people keep telling me. It is all in his time.

"Notice that there was no particular sin in the life of either Zechariah or Elizabeth that was the cause of their childlessness. God kept Elizabeth childless until the proper time on His calendar."

Dust is settleing

Wow, these last few months, especially weeks, have been crazy. I am finally coming down from so much stress and heartbreak I am now feeling it all. It is weird when you are in the middle of it all you don't realize how you are actually feeling. When you have a chance to step back and process you realize what just happened. Right now I am in that mode, I am feeling really depressed now.

A couple weeks ago after my transfer I got a call from a co worker telling me I am getting laid off. It was all due to glitches and protocol in the HR system. This stressed me out like no other. I usually like to work out and do fun active things to relieve stress but due to my knee injuring and just having my transfer I couldn't. Less than a week later I found out that the cycle didn't work. I spent the week feeling numb but actually had a great weekend with family. I had fun and relaxed. I then learned my grandpa was not doing well so I went to visit him which was absolutely heartbreaking. He always took such good care of me and my family and now the tables were turned. I went back home feeling numb so I decided to come back only to have 1 more day with him. Seeing him in pain was so sad. I wanted to take all the pain away. I spent the week with my family making arrangements, talking about memories and really enjoying time together. I am now back to work and reality. My job is supposed to be secure but nothing is finalized so far.

I am hoping I am on my way up. DH said things happen in 3 so I should be done. I am now feeling everything. I am sick to my stomach constantly and just feeling so depressed. I hope that I can get out of this funk. I miss my grandpa the most at of all of this and don't care about the rest. I am so sad to know that he will never see me pregnant or as a mother on earth but I know he will be looking down on me in heaven.

When will it be my turn?

Today was harsh. The first hour after my blood test was fine. I was hard at work (at home) knowing there would be lots of time. As the time got closer I couldn't focus. I was sweating and felt sick. We got the call with a BFN. I felt like someone stabbed me in the heart. I have been preparing myself for it because I just had a feeling it was not going to happen. DH is not taking it well. That hurts me even more. We talked about our frozen but I said "I am so sick of this and I don't want to do it anymore".
I will need time to heal. I usually want to go shopping but that didn't even sound good. I have been doing that a lot the last few weeks so maybe that is why. I feel so defeated and really don't think it will happen for us. I am scared. I also think about adoption and the roller coaster that will be if we go that route. I am just so tired of it all.

The longest day ever!

After taking 3 HPT with no pink I realized that all my investing years ago in those things was not a good idea. Apparently they expire! I have been trying to keep busy today and have done an okay job at it but now I am restless. I really just want to know so I can move on with my summer. I am thinking it is a no for some reason. I am not sure why but I just do. I still don't feel well. I feel like I am going to start my period and it feels crappy. There is not much I can do about anything right now so I will watch my TV show and wait for my Dad to arrive. He will be here for 1 night for work. That will be a little distraction for a few hours.

I just want this to be over. It has been one long month!

Someone is messing with me

I have been on a roller coaster this week. I haven't been feeling well but they are all signs of starting my period and side effects of the meds. It is really confusing. There have also been a lot of things going on at work and with family that have made my stress level high. It is not good timing. I am so over this and just want to know so I can move on.

I have been waiting and waiting and wondering if I should do a HPT. I keep putting it off and finally took one today.....I sat there looking at it. For a second I thought I saw it turn pink! I got really excited but realized it wasn't. In fact, the whole test was a flop! Nothing turned pink, not even what was supposed to! So there I was out of pee and no anwser still. I have a few more so I might try later but I am not sure if I can do it again.

Transfer complete

Today I am feeling pretty good. Yesterday was the transfer. It seemed like it took forever. This cycle went so much better than the last which brings me hope again. We had great numbers. There were 4 fully expanded, last time we only had 1!. There were about 5 that were still expanding and the rest of the 4 not there yet. This made the decision easy for me to put only 2 in. We had talked about putting in 3 at some point if we did it again and the same thing happened last time, a lot didn't make it after day 3. I was excited about it all but DH had reservations and we ended talking about it with the RE for a while. I stuck to my guns about the 2 and that was the final verdict.

So, now my two embies are snuggled up in my uterus. We froze 2 yesterday and the let the other 9 culture another day. They called to let me know that 6 made it to freeze!! yay. This is great news. We have 8 snow babies on ice for hopefully the future when we want a sibling?

Annie

My sister's favorite movie is Annie. She even named her dog Annie. All I can think about right now is the song in it.

Just thinking about tomorrow
bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there'll be sun

Tomorrow tomorrow I love ya tomorrow
you're only a day away

Yikes!! I hope I sleep good tonight I am really nervous but will be glad it is over

Sunday it is

I couldn't sleep last night once again. I woke up and sat on the couch waiting for the embryologist to call. I really wanted to vomit. I didn't want to get ready for work just in case I needed to come in today which would mean no makeup, perfume etc. So, I sat on the computer and just as I was about to blog all my anxiety away I get the call....dun dun dunnnnn....

Thing are progressing well. Sunday will be transfer day. I am doing better than last time. Here is the break down compared to last cycle. They like to see embryos at 6-10 cells at this stage.

I feel like I need a table.

Cells June 10 December09

10 4 1
9 1 0
8 5 5
7 1 1
6 1 1
5 1 1

Total 13 9

So we have 13 to work with at this point which is 4 more than last time. I am pretty happy!! Now off to work.

Progressing...

I had such a horrible night last night. I woke up every hour in a lot of pain. I am not sure what was going on. I think all the meds messed up my digestive system which added to my pain. This morning I have had some relief and I am feeling a lot better. I slept in our spare bedroom but was hesitant to do so. I didn't want to mess it up because my mom is staying with us after the transfer. Luckily I have 2 sets of sheets. haha

I sat around all morning waiting for the embryologist to call. It was a long morning. She finally called to tell me 13 had fertilized normally, 2 are a maybe but will stay in the incubator and 1 didn't make it. That is pretty good. I will get another call in two days to see how they are doing and if they want to do a 3 day transfer.

We are almost there then the waiting will begin!

They are out of me

Today was my retrieval. I couldn't sleep last night. I was nervous and uncomfortable. I keep waking up early in the morning thinking about how I couldn't eat anything and I all I wanted to do was eat. Weird.

Any way. Everything went well. It felt like such a routine to me. The nurses asked how I was feeling about everything and I told them it was like second nature. Maybe that is why it works the second time for so many, you are not as stressed. The anesthesiologist asked me if she knew me. I told her yes you did this last time and obviously it didn't work because I am back. She felt bad, not sure why I know I am not the first to be back.

They retrieved 19 eggs! That is great. I sleep all day and woke up at 6pm with still no call from the embryologist. I knew something must not have gone right because I was expecting a call by 4 or 5 at the latest. She said 11 were mature, 6 slightly mature and 2 very immature. She waited all day to see if any would mature. I am so thankful for her dedication!! They were able to ICSI 16. That is a great number I am very happy.

I will continue resting and wait until tomorrow to see how many fertiliezed. I also started the dread PIO shots. Ouch!

Getting close...

I think I may have overdone it yesterday or something. I am not sure if 2 trips to the mall, had to get something and went to the wrong one, and lunch with friends was a good idea. I got home early in the evening and was so sick. I had a horrible headache, may be due to decaf coffee, and was so nauseous. DH was going to have dinner with a friend which was totally fine because I just wanted to lay in bed. All of the sudden I started crying. I am not sure why. I just felt so sick and couldn't really take anything. I was so sick of feeling crappy and I am scared. DH felt so bad he asked if I wanted him to stay. I told him to go I was just nervous and not feeling well and there was nothing he could do. I took some Tylenol, the only thing I can take, and went to sleep. I woke up at 1am feeling a lot better.

This morning we went in for another US. My monster egg had grown even more along with the others. I trigger tonight and retrieval is Tuesday. I now want tomorrow to fly by so I can just get it over with. We went to the outlets and did a little shopping. I shopped yesterday too. All I wanted to buy was big dresses and shirts. I bought leggings and a couple dress/shirts. This way I can let my belly hang out. I wasn't about to try on shorts or pants because I don't know how they are really supposed to fit and I didn't want to feel bad. Last cycle was during the winter and all I wanted to by was comfy long sleeve tees. I will now have my IVF waudrobe for all seasons. I also treated myself to a nap and pedicure. I will spend the evening with DH relaxing and waiting until 9:30pm to give my last belly shot. Then Tuesday we start the butt shots!! Ouchie.

Attack of the killer eggs

Yesterday I had my CD 9 ultra sound. I woke up a little anxious and feeling a little something going on mostly on my right side. The doctor started to take a look and all I could see on my right side was a giant egg! Giant in egg or shall I say follicle land is 36X22 mm. That may not seem that big but when you usually produce 1 egg a month and it should be about 18-22mm at time of ovulation that is a monster! It is taking over my right side. My RE told me most likely it is abnormal, ya think, and will be aspirated so it doesn't stick around after this cycle.

Did I also mention there are 22 eggs in me right now!!! Again, 1 egg is normal so 22 is a huge number. Last cycle I had 16 at retrieval. This is what the RE was looking for. With this many there is most likely going to be a few to freeze and hopefully 1 will stick. Today I am feeling pretty uncomfortable and having difficult time sitting in my chair. My lower back is aching so I don't know how long I will last.

Sunday I go back for another ultra sound and confirm my retrieval date.

What gets me through the day

I have decided I am going to take charge of my day, fill it with happiness and make this blog a little more attractive. Here are 3 things to do it all!

God, chocolate and smiles....okay, feeling much better now. hehe

Doubt

I am starting to feel what is going inside my tummy. It is not bad but I know with in a few days it will be very uncomfortable. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions the last few days. One minute I am feeling great and positive it will be my turn. The next minute I am in tears because I am afraid it won't work once again.

This morning I woke up with a lot of doubt. I am so used to my life the way it is I almost can't even imagine a life being pregnant or having a child. I have been making tentative plans for the summer and thinking of all I want to do that I couldn't if I am pregnant. I have my heart set on that it will not work. All I can do is trust that God will lead me on my journey to parenthood whatever that may be. I hope I can stay positive during all this but right now, I am not feeling it.

I have my CD9 ultra sound Thursday which will give me a better idea of the expected retrieval. I sure hope this works because I AM SICK OF THIS!

Not my week

Since my last post, which I thought I would title "Jumping over bumps in the road" I was hurled over a few mountains. Yes, they were mountains and yes, I am over them now, hurled. I don't have the energy to go into details I guess because I used it all talking , texting and emailing the stories. Good news is that it all worked out and I am on my 3rd day of stimming meds.

So far I feel pretty good and just starting to feel bloated but it is not too bad. Emotionally, at least today, I feel great. A couple days ago not so much.

I have decided that I need to hire an assistant to keep all this straight. The reason I now feel this way is my dog. I took her to the vet today for skin issues. She has a yeast infection in both her ears, yeast and bacteria on her belly and a bladder issue that we are going to "keep an eye on". That is scary because the reason we figured it out was while she was dosing off she peed...in our bed! So we cleaned it up and flipped the mattress at which I broke the bed doing. All you can do is laugh at this point. This week has been crazy. Back to the reason I need an assistant. My dog has to be given 3 different oral meds that have to tapper off on different days (1 twice daily, 1 once daily for 4 days then 2 days etc.) This on top of 2 ear drops. So now I have to keep track of all her meds and when and how much she gets along with all my meds.

I hope I don't end up injecting her to stimulate her ovaries and cleaning my ears!

Jumping over bumps in the road

I am now a week into Lupron shots. It has become so routine that I almost forget to do them. I wake up do a little poke and move on with my day. I will start stimming on Wednesday. That will be when I definitely know something is going on!

There have been a few bumps in the road this week. To start, I still don't have my meds. Nice... I got a call today from the pharmacy but missed it so I can't call till tomorrow which means they will hopefully get delivered on Wednesday. I need them Wednesday night. Last week I found out I got laid off 50% of my job. Another...NICE... I have options and now I am feeling okay but at the time I shed a few tears. It really had nothing to do with the lay off it was the fact that 1) I am on hormones so anything can set me off 2) I will have to get my resume, letters of rec and application together for another job 3) I was afraid they would be interviewing while I had retrieval or transfer. I have been reassured it all won't happen till after all that. Now when I am on bed rest I will have an activity, updating my resume. The timing is just really bad.

On a good note I have really been enjoying the outdoors. I have been hiking a lot lately. Something about being out in God's beautiful creation brings me peace. I feel a great sense of accomplishment when I finish a hike and I am reminded that God is in control and will lead me where he wants me to go. I also took up running. I ran my first 5K yesterday. Seriously, I didn't think I would ever be able to do anything like that. When I was running the last mile I wanted to cry! I keep thanking God for giving me the strength to do it and I felt like I had finally accomplished one of my goals. It was amazing. It also has been a great distraction. I want to continue with this and do more. I will need to take a little break but hope to continue. We have all these "if I am not pregnant" plans for the summer. I feel if it doesn't work I will live life to the fullest and continue to work toward goals. Some of the things include white water rafting, more hiking including 1/2 dome, a trip to Mexico and maybe a 10K.