What is on my mind...too

I just came across this and I felt like they had just read my mind.


Lord, Give me Strength...
To keep my cool when another period starts.
To keep my chin up when a co-worker announces her pregnancy.
To have a good relationship with my friend in spite of her ability to conceive easily and not be jealous of her.
To endure my sister-in-law's comments about toilet training.
To keep from crying when I see children begging on the roads.
To forgive my doctor when he keeps me waiting for two hours for a consultation - and then can't remember my name.
To make the right decision about treatment.
To maintain a good relationship with my husband in spite of all this.

It's helpful to remember the Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr. " God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can change, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Infertility is...
Watching your husband playing with your friend's baby and wishing you could give him one of his own.
Telling nurses to please take blood from your right arm because the veins in your left arm are all gone because of all the IVs you've had.
Avoiding people you haven't seen for a long time because you don't want to hear the question, "Do you have any kids yet?".
Feeling very left out when your friends start comparing their pregnancy or childbirth experiences.
Feeling like the whole town is pregnant except for you.
Getting tired of people always expecting you to do things because "you don't have any kids to worry about".
Waking up in the middle of the night and wishing you could hear your baby crying.
Wishing you could give your parents grandchildren.
Wanting to fall apart if one other person says, "Why don't you adopt?" Easy, right?
Sometimes avoiding friends who are pregnant or with newborns because you just can't handle the situation at that moment.

We Begin

The day has come to start my IVF journey. Although I have been on birth control pills for 2 months now, the first step of IVF, this week was the real thing. I started my Monday am with a trip to the RE office to write the biggest check I ever wrote. It barely fit on the line! This was followed by a few little tears but nothing big.
Today was my baseline ultra sound and a saline solution ultra sound. I spelled that wrong earlier and found myself Googleing Celine Dion's recent miscarriage after her 2nd IVF. Poor thing. I think it would have been wise of her not to tell the world until she was further along. Anyways, everything is looking nice. My lining is nice, my ovaries are nice and there is nothing funky like polyps or fibroids.
The procedure was pretty simple but I felt a little crampy afterwards. Our next move is our shot class next week. We also have to do blood tests. It is a little irritating that we are having insurance issues over these little things but lets hope it gets worked out and we can move forward asap. I had a little bit of an emotional day. It is all getting so real and it is very difficult. I am worried about what is to come. This week I have been really sensitive. I am hoping that people will understand I may not want to talk, hang out or just cry for no apparent reason.

Here goes the roller coaster!

Another attempt

So we have finally decided to go through with IVF using a new doctor. I am really hoping this works! We have been so blessed by loved ones with the money to do it and don't have to sacrifice as much as we expected financially. So now I am a total wreck! I think I have cried almost everyday that last couple of weeks and the actual physical process doesn't start until November. Another round of pregos is emerging and that has really set me off. I am proud of myself going into"protection" mode even more so than in the past. Today is CD1 of the process since my RE is putting me on BC pills early to help. Next month is my egg class and shot class then off we go. I am freaked out but I know it will be over sooner than later. So for now I will exercise as much as possible and drink coffee because I will soon have to put that aside for a baby I may or may not get.

I am ready!

I am trying to pick myself up from a rough week. I need to move on, think clearly and start figuring out plan B. I am trying to look at the good things that are now happening. I now don't have anything keeping me in Nor Cal and if I move I can go to an IVF clinic since I am paying out of pocket any way. I will be around family during this process, which may be helpful. If I do get pregnant and want to continue with school I can have lots of help that I didn't have before. I am listing to everyone trying to cheer me up and praying about it all. There is not a lot of time to stay down because that won't help. I think there was a total of 24hours of tears on and off and now it is time to move on. My boss told me that when I get down it doesn't last long. I let her know that I have worked really hard on that, IF has really taught me how to cope. I am ready for whatever God has in store for me and I am waiting for him to lead me in the right direction!

A failure again

I just got another round of bad news. I did not get into grad school. My grades were to low. My first reaction was crying, then calling my family which none of them picked up! Then I got a hold of DH and cried to him. He said he was so sorry and wishes there was something he could do. They always want to fix it but they can't. After crying I went shopping, that always helps. Then I cried to my mom and now I am doing pretty good. I feel like a failure once again. It is weird how this made me start to think of IF and how I just want one thing that I have worked hard for to workout! I have always been okay at everything, that doesn't get you that far. I started to wonder if I am aiming too high. But seriously, having children, is that really to high? I feel barren and stupid. I know I shouldn't feel stupid because I know I am not. It just sucks that they can't see that I can do things when I work at it it is just that chemistry is really hard!! Well, now I am on to the next plan which is going to be interesting.

I'm a Mother waiting....

I was just watching my favorite show FRIENDS. Of course it is reruns but it still is the best show ever. This was the episode where Chandler and Monica are trying to adopt a baby and were mistakenly chosen by the girl who is in all the funny movies. She thinks they are a Reverend and a doctor. When she discovers they are lying just so they get the baby she leaves. Chandler follows her into to the hall and explains how much he wants Monica to have a baby that he can't give her one etc. Then he says she is already a mother she just needs a baby.

This is how I feel. I am so ready. I am already so motherly and ready to take care of a little one. I just don't have it yet. It made me cry a little and pray for a miracle. I have been doing really well but the void is still there.

I am ready!

Coping

I really wish I was able to keep a little computer in my bag so every time I had a thought I could blog. It seems like I only get to after all my "chores" are done and DH is gone. Oh well. I have been thinking about coping a lot lately. I have been told how well I am doing, which doesn't always make it better. I found that I am doing so many things to cope with my situation. I have my wonderful support group, daily strength website, journal, talking to various people, exercise, and the lovely blue pill along with just keeping busy. I do all this yet still no baby. Still I feel sad a lot and wonder if it will ever happen for me. All this "coping" I am doing doesn't make me a mother. Now that mother's day is next week I am realizing that I won't be celebrating it once again. Maybe some day. All I will do now is cope. =(