I am ready!

I am trying to pick myself up from a rough week. I need to move on, think clearly and start figuring out plan B. I am trying to look at the good things that are now happening. I now don't have anything keeping me in Nor Cal and if I move I can go to an IVF clinic since I am paying out of pocket any way. I will be around family during this process, which may be helpful. If I do get pregnant and want to continue with school I can have lots of help that I didn't have before. I am listing to everyone trying to cheer me up and praying about it all. There is not a lot of time to stay down because that won't help. I think there was a total of 24hours of tears on and off and now it is time to move on. My boss told me that when I get down it doesn't last long. I let her know that I have worked really hard on that, IF has really taught me how to cope. I am ready for whatever God has in store for me and I am waiting for him to lead me in the right direction!

A failure again

I just got another round of bad news. I did not get into grad school. My grades were to low. My first reaction was crying, then calling my family which none of them picked up! Then I got a hold of DH and cried to him. He said he was so sorry and wishes there was something he could do. They always want to fix it but they can't. After crying I went shopping, that always helps. Then I cried to my mom and now I am doing pretty good. I feel like a failure once again. It is weird how this made me start to think of IF and how I just want one thing that I have worked hard for to workout! I have always been okay at everything, that doesn't get you that far. I started to wonder if I am aiming too high. But seriously, having children, is that really to high? I feel barren and stupid. I know I shouldn't feel stupid because I know I am not. It just sucks that they can't see that I can do things when I work at it it is just that chemistry is really hard!! Well, now I am on to the next plan which is going to be interesting.

I'm a Mother waiting....

I was just watching my favorite show FRIENDS. Of course it is reruns but it still is the best show ever. This was the episode where Chandler and Monica are trying to adopt a baby and were mistakenly chosen by the girl who is in all the funny movies. She thinks they are a Reverend and a doctor. When she discovers they are lying just so they get the baby she leaves. Chandler follows her into to the hall and explains how much he wants Monica to have a baby that he can't give her one etc. Then he says she is already a mother she just needs a baby.

This is how I feel. I am so ready. I am already so motherly and ready to take care of a little one. I just don't have it yet. It made me cry a little and pray for a miracle. I have been doing really well but the void is still there.

I am ready!

Coping

I really wish I was able to keep a little computer in my bag so every time I had a thought I could blog. It seems like I only get to after all my "chores" are done and DH is gone. Oh well. I have been thinking about coping a lot lately. I have been told how well I am doing, which doesn't always make it better. I found that I am doing so many things to cope with my situation. I have my wonderful support group, daily strength website, journal, talking to various people, exercise, and the lovely blue pill along with just keeping busy. I do all this yet still no baby. Still I feel sad a lot and wonder if it will ever happen for me. All this "coping" I am doing doesn't make me a mother. Now that mother's day is next week I am realizing that I won't be celebrating it once again. Maybe some day. All I will do now is cope. =(

Just some thoughts

Tomorrow my support group is going to Ripley's Believe It or Not in SF to rub the fertility idol. I am really looking forward to having a fun trip. I don't know that it will help but hopefully all of us will get pregnant next month! haha

I have finally made the decision not to attend baby showers any more. I always feel obligated to go if I can and used to enjoy buying gifts. My hope of happy a baby of my own is getting slim so I am trying to save myself the pain of attending. I am not sure if I will even send gifts any more. If I do maybe I will start sending gift cards to Target since it is generic. I am doing all I can to cope with this and have been hearing how strong I am. Honestly, that almost makes it worse. I feel like when people tell me that, they think it is not bothering me like it is. I just have to do so much to cope that it seems like I am okay but I really am not. I guess if I have a mental breakdown they will stop telling me I am doing well. No one can really know what they are going to say is okay with me because it all depends on the day.

One other funny thing is my favorite new some is by Miley Sirus aka Hannah Montana. It is about getting to the other side of the mountain. It is not what is there but the climb. I totally agree. I am trying to get to the other side of a huge mountian and I am learning a lot through my climb. =)

All I want is a free meal

I finally wrote an email to my clinic because the OBGYN is in the same office as the IF. This is the worst idea ever. I get to stare at the pregnant ladies while waiting to go see my dr because I can't get pregnant. I know they are in the same place in you body but seriously, why would they think it is a good idea?

I thought my email was pretty good. I thanked them for their great service medically but let them know my emotional needs are not being met and if this continued I would find a place where they would be. I got a nice email back saying they were sending it to upper management and how sorry they were that I felt this way but it takes time and money to make changes.

I felt like I was at a restaurant complaining to the manager. I looked at it this way. If you go into a busy restaurant but the food is really good so you don't mind waiting. Then you sit down and are ignored while everyone else is getting drinks and food. You server comes to you and takes your order. You wait for a long time for you food, the food is great but you can't get over how bad the service was. You complain to the manager and he says how sorry he is and comps your meal.

This is a great way to end the meal. The meal was good and service was bad but at least it is free. I guess I was hoping my clinic would be the same way. I think if they said we are so sorry you feel this way what we are going to do is comp you last treatment since it failed anyway and are unhappy with the service. But no, it was just sorry we will not be fixing this problem anytime soon. UGH!

Brenda Walsh?

I have a yucky feeling about myself right now. This may sound weird and funny.
When I was in high school "Beverly Hills 90210" was a big show. I watched it all the time and really liked Kelly. I was also a cheerleader, can we say catty? We had many arguments on what bow we were wearing on spirit days, who should be your secret football player for homecoming, why is she always in the front in dances and much much more. How does this relate to 90210 you ask. Well, being as passionate as I was about these cheer issues and okay probably a little more snobby than I would like to admit...someone told me that the JV squad called me Brenda Walsh. My reaction was "ugh, I'm not like her".
So now it is over 12 years since I heard that about myself. I feel I have come a long way and no longer even slightly resemble her...until...last night. The new season of "90210" was on and the old characters Brenda and Kelly are on it. I know I am a dork but I totally watch it. Last night Brenda finds out she can't have kids. Just like me!! She had fibroids removed which left her baron. (not like me) The best part was when she was in the waiting room with a 16 year old girl who just found out she was pregnant. She talked about how it made her feel and how jealous she was of the girl.

Wow, this is totally me. I just thought it was funny.

On another note our last cycle was cancelled and we are waiting until next week to do more tests. Grrrr