Persistently Patient

3 days and counting

2010-11-09T08:32:00.000-08:00

I made it through my 2nd FET and have 3 long days left of waiting for the results. I have had a few melt downs through the process and don't feel like myself. I am surrounded by pregnancy and new babies and it is killing me. No one really seems to understand I don't want to hear or talk about it, unless I bring it up. My IF friends are just about the only people I can handle seeing their babies because I know what a blessing they are to them.
I started thinking the other day about all the people I avoid and all the hurt and pain I have over this. I wonder when this is all over ,whether we have biological kids or adopt, will all my troubles be gone? What else will come in the way of me avoiding people. Will it be that their kid does better in school than mine? Or is healthier than mine? Or behaves better? I am leaning on the hope that having a baby will solve my problems but I know that new ones will arise. Rarely in life is everything smooth sailing. I have dealt with this for so long I almost don't even know life without it.
For now I will be filling my days with lots of stuff so it will go by fast. I think the longest day will be Friday. I hate waiting by the phone for the dreaded call. I answered the first time and could barely speak when she told me it was negative. Now I have DH answer and I stare at him and can tell by the look on his face and his response.

Okay, no I just made myself really scared!!

Is it over yet?

2010-10-14T17:45:00.000-07:00

I have been ready to do my next FET cycle since the beginning of September. Here I am heading toward the middle of October and I still have 3 weeks until transfer and 10 days after that for results. I feel like it never ends. I have been on Lupron for a week and start Viville patches tomorrow. I am chomping at the bit here. I am honestly thinking "just get this over with so I can hull through all my 8 embryos and adopt". Yes, as you can tell I am not to hopeful anymore. In my mind this is our last year and we are moving on but who knows what will happen if none of it works. We may change our minds and try again.

Thought I was a genius

2010-09-30T15:45:00.000-07:00

Today a friend asked me about an artist who had songs about infertility. I had heard of her before but thought I would freshen up on her songs. This started me down an emotional path of music on the subject. I Googled the term "songs about infertility". There were a few that popped up. I then thought "Wow, I should make a CD and sell it!" I know what you are thinking, I was too, I am a genuis. This may pay for treatment or I could be nice and use it as a fund raiser.
I went through a bunch of songs and started writing down the title and singer. It was a lot of fun. I started to come across many other people who had complied songs that either inspired them during their struggle or that were about the struggle. So, I guess I am not the genius that came up with it. I did come across this reggae song that made me feel good. It is kind of where I am at in life at the moment.

The song is "No Less Than a Women". It talks about not having kids doesn't make you less and that this is a time to help those kids out that don't have anyone. I have been spending a lot of time with kids, not that they don't have anyone, but non the less I would like to think in some way I have a motherly influence on them.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ggirUh6Jmo

Am I ready?

2010-09-23T15:00:00.001-07:00

After taking a break and having mostly a lot of fun, it is now time to jump back on the infertility wagon. I started BC last week and will start Lupron injects in 2 weeks. I am not sure if it is the BC or the anticipation or both that is putting me on edge. We have 8 snow babies ready for us when we are. I am just not sure if I am ready to head down this road once again. I don't want to go through the ups and downs of it all. We are on our last leg of this journey and know that a year from now I will either be with a baby, pregnant or on my adoption journey.

Who knew that 7 years ago I would be here having to make decisions like this. I expected to have a 6 year old and a 4 year old, maybe even a 2 year old. I thought at 29 I would be done having kids and finishing up graduate school. Well, in a sense I will be done having kids or at least trying to have them. I am just not sure if I am ready to be done. I really hope something good happens this fall. I don't know how I will be able to handle the holidays this year with all the new babies in my family if I am once again without.

We will see.

What the Bible says

2010-08-13T15:51:00.000-07:00

I came across this site for Christians struggling with infertility. Sometimes it is hard to know what the right choice is to make on these matters. They posted a few passages which I found comforting.

* That since God first created us "in His image," then the desire to procreate biological children (in our own image) is God-given. ~ Genesis 1:27-28

* That God deeply cares about the pain we face through infertility and lovingly gives us many examples of barren couples throughout the Bible so that we might know just how much our pain matters to Him. ~ Luke 8:43-48; Genesis 16:1; Genesis 25:21; Genesis 30:1; Judges 13:2-3; 1 Samuel 1:1 - 2:11; Proverbs 30:15-16; 2 Kings 4:14-17; Luke 1:5-7

This one relates to what I believe and many people keep telling me. It is all in his time.

"Notice that there was no particular sin in the life of either Zechariah or Elizabeth that was the cause of their childlessness. God kept Elizabeth childless until the proper time on His calendar."

Dust is settleing

2010-07-30T09:58:00.000-07:00

Wow, these last few months, especially weeks, have been crazy. I am finally coming down from so much stress and heartbreak I am now feeling it all. It is weird when you are in the middle of it all you don't realize how you are actually feeling. When you have a chance to step back and process you realize what just happened. Right now I am in that mode, I am feeling really depressed now.

A couple weeks ago after my transfer I got a call from a co worker telling me I am getting laid off. It was all due to glitches and protocol in the HR system. This stressed me out like no other. I usually like to work out and do fun active things to relieve stress but due to my knee injuring and just having my transfer I couldn't. Less than a week later I found out that the cycle didn't work. I spent the week feeling numb but actually had a great weekend with family. I had fun and relaxed. I then learned my grandpa was not doing well so I went to visit him which was absolutely heartbreaking. He always took such good care of me and my family and now the tables were turned. I went back home feeling numb so I decided to come back only to have 1 more day with him. Seeing him in pain was so sad. I wanted to take all the pain away. I spent the week with my family making arrangements, talking about memories and really enjoying time together. I am now back to work and reality. My job is supposed to be secure but nothing is finalized so far.

I am hoping I am on my way up. DH said things happen in 3 so I should be done. I am now feeling everything. I am sick to my stomach constantly and just feeling so depressed. I hope that I can get out of this funk. I miss my grandpa the most at of all of this and don't care about the rest. I am so sad to know that he will never see me pregnant or as a mother on earth but I know he will be looking down on me in heaven.

When will it be my turn?

2010-07-06T20:30:00.000-07:00

Today was harsh. The first hour after my blood test was fine. I was hard at work (at home) knowing there would be lots of time. As the time got closer I couldn't focus. I was sweating and felt sick. We got the call with a BFN. I felt like someone stabbed me in the heart. I have been preparing myself for it because I just had a feeling it was not going to happen. DH is not taking it well. That hurts me even more. We talked about our frozen but I said "I am so sick of this and I don't want to do it anymore".
I will need time to heal. I usually want to go shopping but that didn't even sound good. I have been doing that a lot the last few weeks so maybe that is why. I feel so defeated and really don't think it will happen for us. I am scared. I also think about adoption and the roller coaster that will be if we go that route. I am just so tired of it all.

The longest day ever!

2010-07-05T19:53:00.000-07:00

After taking 3 HPT with no pink I realized that all my investing years ago in those things was not a good idea. Apparently they expire! I have been trying to keep busy today and have done an okay job at it but now I am restless. I really just want to know so I can move on with my summer. I am thinking it is a no for some reason. I am not sure why but I just do. I still don't feel well. I feel like I am going to start my period and it feels crappy. There is not much I can do about anything right now so I will watch my TV show and wait for my Dad to arrive. He will be here for 1 night for work. That will be a little distraction for a few hours.

I just want this to be over. It has been one long month!

Someone is messing with me

2010-07-04T15:17:00.000-07:00

I have been on a roller coaster this week. I haven't been feeling well but they are all signs of starting my period and side effects of the meds. It is really confusing. There have also been a lot of things going on at work and with family that have made my stress level high. It is not good timing. I am so over this and just want to know so I can move on.

I have been waiting and waiting and wondering if I should do a HPT. I keep putting it off and finally took one today.....I sat there looking at it. For a second I thought I saw it turn pink! I got really excited but realized it wasn't. In fact, the whole test was a flop! Nothing turned pink, not even what was supposed to! So there I was out of pee and no anwser still. I have a few more so I might try later but I am not sure if I can do it again.

Transfer complete

2010-06-28T15:52:00.000-07:00

Today I am feeling pretty good. Yesterday was the transfer. It seemed like it took forever. This cycle went so much better than the last which brings me hope again. We had great numbers. There were 4 fully expanded, last time we only had 1!. There were about 5 that were still expanding and the rest of the 4 not there yet. This made the decision easy for me to put only 2 in. We had talked about putting in 3 at some point if we did it again and the same thing happened last time, a lot didn't make it after day 3. I was excited about it all but DH had reservations and we ended talking about it with the RE for a while. I stuck to my guns about the 2 and that was the final verdict.

So, now my two embies are snuggled up in my uterus. We froze 2 yesterday and the let the other 9 culture another day. They called to let me know that 6 made it to freeze!! yay. This is great news. We have 8 snow babies on ice for hopefully the future when we want a sibling?

Annie

2010-06-26T22:00:00.000-07:00

My sister's favorite movie is Annie. She even named her dog Annie. All I can think about right now is the song in it.

Just thinking about tomorrow
bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there'll be sun

Tomorrow tomorrow I love ya tomorrow
you're only a day away

Yikes!! I hope I sleep good tonight I am really nervous but will be glad it is over

Sunday it is

2010-06-25T08:19:00.000-07:00

I couldn't sleep last night once again. I woke up and sat on the couch waiting for the embryologist to call. I really wanted to vomit. I didn't want to get ready for work just in case I needed to come in today which would mean no makeup, perfume etc. So, I sat on the computer and just as I was about to blog all my anxiety away I get the call....dun dun dunnnnn....

Thing are progressing well. Sunday will be transfer day. I am doing better than last time. Here is the break down compared to last cycle. They like to see embryos at 6-10 cells at this stage.

I feel like I need a table.

Cells June 10 December09

10 4 1
9 1 0
8 5 5
7 1 1
6 1 1
5 1 1

Total 13 9

So we have 13 to work with at this point which is 4 more than last time. I am pretty happy!! Now off to work.

Progressing...

2010-06-23T11:06:00.000-07:00

I had such a horrible night last night. I woke up every hour in a lot of pain. I am not sure what was going on. I think all the meds messed up my digestive system which added to my pain. This morning I have had some relief and I am feeling a lot better. I slept in our spare bedroom but was hesitant to do so. I didn't want to mess it up because my mom is staying with us after the transfer. Luckily I have 2 sets of sheets. haha

I sat around all morning waiting for the embryologist to call. It was a long morning. She finally called to tell me 13 had fertilized normally, 2 are a maybe but will stay in the incubator and 1 didn't make it. That is pretty good. I will get another call in two days to see how they are doing and if they want to do a 3 day transfer.

We are almost there then the waiting will begin!

They are out of me

2010-06-22T18:53:00.000-07:00

Today was my retrieval. I couldn't sleep last night. I was nervous and uncomfortable. I keep waking up early in the morning thinking about how I couldn't eat anything and I all I wanted to do was eat. Weird.

Any way. Everything went well. It felt like such a routine to me. The nurses asked how I was feeling about everything and I told them it was like second nature. Maybe that is why it works the second time for so many, you are not as stressed. The anesthesiologist asked me if she knew me. I told her yes you did this last time and obviously it didn't work because I am back. She felt bad, not sure why I know I am not the first to be back.

They retrieved 19 eggs! That is great. I sleep all day and woke up at 6pm with still no call from the embryologist. I knew something must not have gone right because I was expecting a call by 4 or 5 at the latest. She said 11 were mature, 6 slightly mature and 2 very immature. She waited all day to see if any would mature. I am so thankful for her dedication!! They were able to ICSI 16. That is a great number I am very happy.

I will continue resting and wait until tomorrow to see how many fertiliezed. I also started the dread PIO shots. Ouch!

Getting close...

2010-06-20T17:34:00.000-07:00

I think I may have overdone it yesterday or something. I am not sure if 2 trips to the mall, had to get something and went to the wrong one, and lunch with friends was a good idea. I got home early in the evening and was so sick. I had a horrible headache, may be due to decaf coffee, and was so nauseous. DH was going to have dinner with a friend which was totally fine because I just wanted to lay in bed. All of the sudden I started crying. I am not sure why. I just felt so sick and couldn't really take anything. I was so sick of feeling crappy and I am scared. DH felt so bad he asked if I wanted him to stay. I told him to go I was just nervous and not feeling well and there was nothing he could do. I took some Tylenol, the only thing I can take, and went to sleep. I woke up at 1am feeling a lot better.

This morning we went in for another US. My monster egg had grown even more along with the others. I trigger tonight and retrieval is Tuesday. I now want tomorrow to fly by so I can just get it over with. We went to the outlets and did a little shopping. I shopped yesterday too. All I wanted to buy was big dresses and shirts. I bought leggings and a couple dress/shirts. This way I can let my belly hang out. I wasn't about to try on shorts or pants because I don't know how they are really supposed to fit and I didn't want to feel bad. Last cycle was during the winter and all I wanted to by was comfy long sleeve tees. I will now have my IVF waudrobe for all seasons. I also treated myself to a nap and pedicure. I will spend the evening with DH relaxing and waiting until 9:30pm to give my last belly shot. Then Tuesday we start the butt shots!! Ouchie.

Attack of the killer eggs

2010-06-18T10:34:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had my CD 9 ultra sound. I woke up a little anxious and feeling a little something going on mostly on my right side. The doctor started to take a look and all I could see on my right side was a giant egg! Giant in egg or shall I say follicle land is 36X22 mm. That may not seem that big but when you usually produce 1 egg a month and it should be about 18-22mm at time of ovulation that is a monster! It is taking over my right side. My RE told me most likely it is abnormal, ya think, and will be aspirated so it doesn't stick around after this cycle.

Did I also mention there are 22 eggs in me right now!!! Again, 1 egg is normal so 22 is a huge number. Last cycle I had 16 at retrieval. This is what the RE was looking for. With this many there is most likely going to be a few to freeze and hopefully 1 will stick. Today I am feeling pretty uncomfortable and having difficult time sitting in my chair. My lower back is aching so I don't know how long I will last.

Sunday I go back for another ultra sound and confirm my retrieval date.

What gets me through the day

2010-06-16T16:23:00.000-07:00

I have decided I am going to take charge of my day, fill it with happiness and make this blog a little more attractive. Here are 3 things to do it all!

God, chocolate and smiles....okay, feeling much better now. hehe

Doubt

2010-06-15T12:56:00.000-07:00

I am starting to feel what is going inside my tummy. It is not bad but I know with in a few days it will be very uncomfortable. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions the last few days. One minute I am feeling great and positive it will be my turn. The next minute I am in tears because I am afraid it won't work once again.

This morning I woke up with a lot of doubt. I am so used to my life the way it is I almost can't even imagine a life being pregnant or having a child. I have been making tentative plans for the summer and thinking of all I want to do that I couldn't if I am pregnant. I have my heart set on that it will not work. All I can do is trust that God will lead me on my journey to parenthood whatever that may be. I hope I can stay positive during all this but right now, I am not feeling it.

I have my CD9 ultra sound Thursday which will give me a better idea of the expected retrieval. I sure hope this works because I AM SICK OF THIS!

Not my week

2010-06-11T19:46:00.000-07:00

Since my last post, which I thought I would title "Jumping over bumps in the road" I was hurled over a few mountains. Yes, they were mountains and yes, I am over them now, hurled. I don't have the energy to go into details I guess because I used it all talking , texting and emailing the stories. Good news is that it all worked out and I am on my 3rd day of stimming meds.

So far I feel pretty good and just starting to feel bloated but it is not too bad. Emotionally, at least today, I feel great. A couple days ago not so much.

I have decided that I need to hire an assistant to keep all this straight. The reason I now feel this way is my dog. I took her to the vet today for skin issues. She has a yeast infection in both her ears, yeast and bacteria on her belly and a bladder issue that we are going to "keep an eye on". That is scary because the reason we figured it out was while she was dosing off she peed...in our bed! So we cleaned it up and flipped the mattress at which I broke the bed doing. All you can do is laugh at this point. This week has been crazy. Back to the reason I need an assistant. My dog has to be given 3 different oral meds that have to tapper off on different days (1 twice daily, 1 once daily for 4 days then 2 days etc.) This on top of 2 ear drops. So now I have to keep track of all her meds and when and how much she gets along with all my meds.

I hope I don't end up injecting her to stimulate her ovaries and cleaning my ears!

Jumping over bumps in the road

2010-06-07T21:06:00.000-07:00

I am now a week into Lupron shots. It has become so routine that I almost forget to do them. I wake up do a little poke and move on with my day. I will start stimming on Wednesday. That will be when I definitely know something is going on!

There have been a few bumps in the road this week. To start, I still don't have my meds. Nice... I got a call today from the pharmacy but missed it so I can't call till tomorrow which means they will hopefully get delivered on Wednesday. I need them Wednesday night. Last week I found out I got laid off 50% of my job. Another...NICE... I have options and now I am feeling okay but at the time I shed a few tears. It really had nothing to do with the lay off it was the fact that 1) I am on hormones so anything can set me off 2) I will have to get my resume, letters of rec and application together for another job 3) I was afraid they would be interviewing while I had retrieval or transfer. I have been reassured it all won't happen till after all that. Now when I am on bed rest I will have an activity, updating my resume. The timing is just really bad.

On a good note I have really been enjoying the outdoors. I have been hiking a lot lately. Something about being out in God's beautiful creation brings me peace. I feel a great sense of accomplishment when I finish a hike and I am reminded that God is in control and will lead me where he wants me to go. I also took up running. I ran my first 5K yesterday. Seriously, I didn't think I would ever be able to do anything like that. When I was running the last mile I wanted to cry! I keep thanking God for giving me the strength to do it and I felt like I had finally accomplished one of my goals. It was amazing. It also has been a great distraction. I want to continue with this and do more. I will need to take a little break but hope to continue. We have all these "if I am not pregnant" plans for the summer. I feel if it doesn't work I will live life to the fullest and continue to work toward goals. Some of the things include white water rafting, more hiking including 1/2 dome, a trip to Mexico and maybe a 10K.

Wait........

2010-06-01T20:59:00.000-07:00

I started my cycle 2 days ago so I called my RE to tell them I will need to start birth control tomorrow and have my baseline ultra sound. I got a call back and my nurse said you don't even need to take the bc pills just start Lupron!!! What? No, no, no...I am not ready for that. I want to have a week of bc pills to prepare my mind. I hate what they do to me but I can mentally prepare. Well, I don't have to go through the physical part of bc pills now. My stomach was in knots all day and I really just wanted to cry and say here we go. For some reason I was thinking I had more time. I mean, it isn't till June right? Well, today is June 1st, yikes. I guess I was just having too much fun I finally forgot about it all. So now I will start shots tomorrow and more shots the following week followed by more shots. I am scared to death about the physical discomfort, telling little white lies about what is going on and most of all another failure. We are getting down to our final steps on this journey and I don't know how much more heart ache and physical discomfort I can take but you never know what you will go through.

Gearing up

2010-05-26T10:10:00.000-07:00

Today everything hit me! OMG! Another IVF is weeks away. I will start BC pills next week. I am really nervous about all the side effects that come with the territory. Work is busy and not being around will stress me out along with the excuses I will have to make for those that don't know. I feel like this could be our last chance. It may or may not be but is scares me to death.

On another note. At the beginning of April I let my clinic know that we would be doing another round in June so it would be a good idea to start the process of getting meds so I don't stress. Here I am a week away and 6 weeks from my initial request and do I have meds? NO! At least I know I have 2 more weeks until I will need injectables and I do have some left over from last time.

So on I go with moodiness, bloating, fatigue, cramps, bruising and hot flashes! Can't wait. The good thing about doing it in the summer is I can hide all that under dresses.

Another journey

2010-05-06T15:51:00.000-07:00

The last couple of weeks have been rough. One thing after another went wrong and this time it had nothing to do with my lack of child baring skills. The last couple of days I started to realize I am really happy and feeling good right now. I am trying new things and doing old things I was putting on hold. My clothes are feeling good, no bloating, and I can exercise which relieves stress and helps my clothes fit. I have also realized that through my journey to motherhood I am finding a new journey with the Lord. I believe He is the #1 contributor to my happiness right now. I spent so much time "coping" with this horrible thing that I lost site in what else is around. I spent a lot of time talking about it, praying about it, writing about it, and reading about it. A few different things have piqued my interest lately and now I read, talk and write about that. It has really helped me cope by focusing on other things. Don't get me wrong it is still a difficult time but now is the time to look at other things in life.
Everyone always says things happen for a reason and God has a plan. I know this! But... do I really? I am trying to control it but I don't have control. Right now I am trying to put down the reigns and let God lead. Maybe He wanted to work on my journey with Him before I had a child. I have learned so much about marriage and relationships lately that will prepare me for motherhood. Maybe I wasn't ready, although I think I am.
I will continue on my journey and try to refocus my life for now. I have a month before I jump back on the fertility wagon but I am going to do my best to keep this attitude and new found peace during it all.

the good things in life

2010-03-24T10:18:00.000-07:00

I am still upset about the recent news but I am moving on. I find when I am alone in the car I think about it the most. At night I think about what I would be doing if we had kids. It would be less TV and more making dinner, bath, play and bed. Sometimes I hate coming home from work to do "nothing". It is not really nothing. I do make dinner, clean up, workout, watch TV but it just doesn't feel great to do all that every night.

I was thinking about the good things about not being pregnant right now here is my list:
1. I get to drink coffee!!
2. I get to eat whatever I want, no more EZ diet
3. I can work out without restrictions
4. I get to go horseback riding on my vacation
5. I can stay out late and not worry about getting home to get my shots
6. Physically I feel good and normal, no more bloating or bruising
7. I don't need to find a babysitter to go out

These are a few things I am trying to enjoy. This morning I had coffee and French toast and I savored every bite!

The phone call

2010-03-22T15:42:00.000-07:00

Last night I could not sleep. I have been going over scenarios in my head of how I would feel or react when we got the phone call. I woke up ready to get it all over with. I thought of all the things I would do if it did or didn't work. I did a few errands after my blood draw and went home. I just sat there for a bit. Then DH came home and we sat close together on the couch staring at the TV. I decided to rest a little. Just as I fell asleep the phone rang. I told DH to get it I couldn't bare to answer.

He answered and I knew right away it was not good news. He had a stone cold look on his face and said "uh hum. uh hum. okay thanks". Then I lost it. I felt like someone stabbed me in the heart. We are nearing the end of our dream and if it doesn't happen in the next round we are done! I can't believe it has been over 6 years and still no results. I feel so alone and so defeated. I did a little retail therapy and have decided if I can't have a baby then I will try my hardest to look good. haha

The good things are that I will have no more shots for a while, I don't have to be home at a certain time to give the shot, I can exercise and eat whatever I want. I still can't understand why this has happened to me and I may never understand but I will try to hold my head up high and trust that God will give us a family some day.

I want to wear this shirt so I have an excuse to be mean and no one will ask why! hehe

Hardwork is my middle name

2010-03-15T21:54:00.000-07:00

My entire life I have been okay at everything. No matter what I did it wasn't easy. I always had to work hard in school, dance, cheer, etc. I mostly got what I wanted out of it but it was a lot of work, no natural talent here. I decided that having a baby is just another one of those things I have to work hard at. Having a baby for me does not come natural, obviously. I have to work hard at the diet my RE has me on, I have to give shots and take drugs everyday, and hold my bladder to transfer my eggs. One thing I am not afraid of is hard work. I am not afraid of all this hard work, I am just afraid of the outcome, not getting what I want.

I still have another week of waiting for the results. I am finding myself analyzing every feeling I have. If I feel nauseous, have a headache, backache, cramps, I think... OMG, did it work? I am thankful for my job that I get to go to tomorrow to keep my mind off this all.

Snow babies are in

2010-03-13T22:14:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my FET. Both snow babies, or shall we say snow angels (not in the "they went up to heaven" way but in the "precious" way) made it. One was still a raisin and the other looking perfect as can be. This is exactly how I thought it would turn out. DH had less expectations, he thought 1 wouldn't make it. I say it is mother's intuition. It was so much less stressful and relaxing. It wasn't scary like last time since I knew exactly what to expect. The good part was that I only drank 2.5 bottles of water instead of the previous 4.5, that was for sure Chinese water torture.

They were running late so we waited 45minutes for the nurse to call me back. I was excited! Then they checked my bladder for fullness and said I could pee for 4 seconds then go back and wait! Ugh. I was afraid I peed too long. I counted 1...2...3...4 but was it like when Ross (on FRIENDS) went to get a spray tan and said "1 hippopotamus, 2 hippopotamus, etc. and it was too long. So I decided to drink a little more water. Then I really had to go. They came back again in 15 minutes to check. Torture! I know it is full. They said I could pee again for 4 seconds. Are you kidding me! Who came up with 4 seconds. Is it like how a bartender does a 2 count to equal 2 ounces? I did it. Then finally they let us go back. I was ready to strip down but they said not yet we have to go over everything with you. They showed us our snow babies. Last time I lost it and I know DH got emotional too, this time nothing. It looked like cells. So, we were off. They implanted them, I went pee and we were on our way.

Now I am home, a little bored, resting. I have been working on scrap booking and catching up on sleep. I have to wait 10 long days to find out. I am in good spirits but if it works I think I will have a heart attack! We will see.

Ice Ice Baby

2010-02-23T14:22:00.000-08:00

We are in the middle of our first FET (frozen embryo transfer). I can't get the song by the famous Vanilla Ice out of my head "Ice Ice Baby" in our case it would be Babies since we have 2 on ice. It is such a weird thing to know we have two potential humans sitting in a freezer right now waiting to be unthawed.

I am in the middle of meds right now and found myself going a little nuts. Things that didn't used to bother me are and I want to cry all the time. I had been doing pretty well keeping the water works under control but boy am I moody! I don't want to hear about what anyone else is doing because dam it...I am doing a FET, I have bruises and estrogen patches on my stomach, bloating, weight gain, and soon I will be having DH give me shots in the hiney! I am in selfish mode right now and I hope it goes away soon because I feel horrible for being that way.

I am looking forward to this being over and will be devastated if once again it doesn't work. Until then I will keep up with the shots.

No baby again

2009-12-27T12:25:00.000-08:00

After what it seems like months of IVF stuff we found out yesterday it didn't work. I am feeling numb to it all. The night before I freaked out and had a feeling it was going to be bad. After crying for 20 minutes I decided to go shopping. It didn't help much but it made the day move fast. I have been asking God for peace and to accept what happens good or bad. Maybe this is why I don't feel much and maybe since it has been this way for so long I am used to it.

Sigh

First pictures

2009-12-24T09:25:00.000-08:00

Here are our first baby pictures. These two little embryos are in my belly right now. I am only days away of finding out if it worked. I am not thinking about it too much but I am sure it will be hard the day of. I do think about what I went through and I don't really want to do it again but I will do what ever it takes.

the verdict is in...

2009-12-16T10:28:00.000-08:00

After not sleeping all night last night I woke up to a call from the embryologist to tell me my little emibes are looking great and that I will be doing my transfer on Friday morning. My beeeeehind hurt so bad all night from my shot and the other side hurt from the othe 2 shots so I wasn't able to find a comfortable postion. Now I have 2 days to stay busy so I don't freak out! I had a feeling this would be the case but wasn't sure so I wasn't that nervous but now I am starting to feel it. I will spend the day getting a pedi and baking before Bible study tonight.
Deep Breath!!!

Here is the embryo break down. They said they like to see at least 3 of them at 6 cells or more so I am doing well.

Total= 9
1- 10 cell
5- 8 cell
1- 7 cell
1- 6 cell
1- 2 to 5 cell

The true meaning of intramuscular

2009-12-15T21:45:00.000-08:00

Today is potentially the day before transfer. I thought I would be really nervous but I am feeling pretty good. I was busy with friends all day. It was the first day in over a week where I would actually walk with out much pain. It felt good to be able to pick up my house a little and not worry about the chemicals when I cleaned the bathroom. I didn't do everything but I figure if it doesn't happen tomorrow I will have 2 more days to clean.
DH and I have a high self efficacy when it comes to shots now a days. Today I wasn't nervous at all when the clock struck 9pm. We went in to the bathroom and mixed our concoction with ease. I bent over on the bed, I am sure you have a nice visual right now haha. We both took a deep breath and all of the sudden....OH MY GOSH! So, let me describe the feeling. I barely felt the needle go in but as soon as it hit the muscle it felt like someone had just hit me with their knuckle in the same spot about 20 times. My reaction was a yelp then laughter. Not only was it the weirdest feeling ever, it tickled too. I couldn't stay still as DH yelled and me to stop moving and stop laughing.
I now know that this is what it was supposed to feel like and that we didn't do it totally right the last 2 nights. I had him do it a little lower where my muscle actually was. When he took out the needle and realized I was not in pain, well almost, he started laughing too. Now I am totally hurting on my hinnie and will probably feel this for a while.
We will even the score with my other cheek tomorrow!

The painful part is over....I think

2009-12-14T09:56:00.000-08:00

After eating a huge meal on Saturday night, couldn't eat after 11:30pm until after retrieval, I actually sleep pretty well. We headed off to retrieval where I only had a to wait 20 minutes. They got me set and I was was surprisingly very calm. I have been asking God to keep me calm and not to be anxious. I know that no matter how I feel that will not change His will.
Everything went pretty smooth. When I woke up from my little nap I couldn't figure out where I was so I started crying! haha. I was so confused and my stomach hurt. Then I realized what happened and started laughing telling the nurses, "sorry, I forgot what was going on". They were all very sweet to me. Not too long after I was out the door. I asked them when I would learn how to do the PIO shot and they said they already showed DH. My first reaction was ummm....can you show me too? The only thing was I wasn't completely with it to share my thoughts so we headed home. We stopped at Togo's to get soup and sandwiches. It was the best lunch ever! After not eating all day I was famished.

I spent the day resting. I had really bad cramping and could not get comfortable. No matter how I sat it hurt. I would stand and walk around until that hurt then sit and repeat. Then came time for the PIO shot. I started out icing, did I mention they drew circles on my hinnie so DH knew where to aim? I wanted to make sure it was nice and numb. Then we got the stuff. Both of us were so nervous. I asked him what to do and he wasn't totally sure. Of course it made me mad! He was supposed to know they showed him not me. He calmed down and we figured it out. The only problem was there were two needles. One much larger than the other. I assumed that the smaller one was to inject. I got on the bed and we both laughed and said we were afraid. DH didn't want to do it but I told him to get over it because he had too. He jabbed it in and it actually didn't hurt that bad. Then he noticed that the oil was coming out and there was no bump. It seemed like it went too fast. I thought it really wasn't bad...hmmmm.. is that okay? So we sat there wondering if we did it right. I decided after 45minutes of stewing and worrying I would Google it, gotta love the Google Gods. Yep, we used the wrong needle!

We were now both freaked out. DH said we should page the RE but I wasn't sure so I made him do it. 30 minutes later he didn't call back so we did it again. He still didn't call back, luckily we were not dying! So all night we sat there starring wondering if we messed up big time. Finally we went to bed. I had my first bout of being a worried mother. I thought about my little embies all night. Were they being taken good care of? Were they warm and cozy? I was in a lot of pain all night but woke up feeling pretty good.

I was able to call the nurse this morning and she said it was okay that we used the wrong needle but to make sure we did the right one tonight. I also have 2 estrogen patches on my belly. It looks like someone is drawing all over me. We have to right the date on the patches so I know when to change them, I have 2 big circles on me and a band aid from the shot.

Here is the results from my eggs
16 retrieved
13 mature for ICSI
9 fertilized (2PN)
3 not sure need to wait until Wednesday
1 black (didn't make it)

I think things are looking good. Now I just have to continue to be calm and wait for transfer.

Pulled the trigger

2009-12-11T22:46:00.000-08:00

Today was a really long day. I rested a lot and was feeling really good. Then I was bored so I wanted to get out of the house. We went to dinner and decided to finally finish the last person on our Christmas list which ended up including gifts for ourselves. Walking the mall after a large meal was not the best idea. I was glad to have the evening go by fast but I was in a lot of pain. I realized the reason why I felt so good today was that I did nothing!

At 10pm I did my trigger shot. It was more complicated then the others. I had to mix a powder with water using a large needle. Then I had to switch the needle and use a smaller one to inject. It was actually bigger then my other needles so it did hurt. DH helped mix because I was nervous about it. It bleed a lot, I think I am running out of spots. I have a few bruises right now that hit my pants so tomorrow I will be wearing my lovely sweats all day. We go in on Sunday at 9am and I will start retrieval at 10 am. I hope it all goes well and my little eggs fertilize!

Almost time

2009-12-10T17:07:00.000-08:00

I went to the RE today hoping he would say "your eggs look great lets take them out now!". Unfortunately he did not say that. He wants me to do one more day of shots. I had a feeling this would happen since I usually ovulate later in the month. I want it all to go well so I can't be too disappointed but I was hoping for sooner rather than later. I am getting really uncomfortable. I have a continuous dull pain in both sides, my back and hips are now achy and it hurts to walk and sit. I have been going into work feel okay then after a couple of hours I can't wait to get home. I just need to keep busy and try to stay comfortable for now. I don't know if after I do my HCG shot I will start to feel a little better. We will see.

I have been doing a little retail therapy. I can't really eat much and when I do I don't feel well so I thought instead of eating I will go shopping. It has been a good distraction and I found myself wanting to buy comfy clothes. I am thinking about what will satisfy me now and probably not wear them much later.

Everthing can be related back to FRIENDS

2009-12-07T19:51:00.000-08:00

My favorite show in the entire world is FRIENDS. I watch it everyday and hopefully will finally have all 10 seasons on Christmas day! I can always relate back to something that happened in FRIENDS that mimics what I am going through. One thing is the song Phoebe sings when she is waiting to see if her IVF works with her brothers babies.
Tonight I thought of another. I am really anxious and have been for a couple of days. I went to the RE today and they saw 13 eggs. I am feeling uncomfortable just sitting here with all those eggs and they are still developing. I go back on Thursday to check and expect to retrieve on Saturday. The problem tonight is that I worked from home in the afternoon because I could not sit at work. But now I have been home since 1:30, now 8pm, and I am going crazy. I usually do something like workout, run errands, cook etc. The problem is I don't feel well enough to do anything but sit. When I can't do the rest I love to clean! That keeps me busy and I love the after math of my clean house. Yet again I can't lift much and walking back and forth hurts. I also don't want to breath in chemicals. You may be wondering how this goes back to FRIENDS. Last night I was watching an episode where Chandler gets a housekeeper for Monica. She is so excited because her house is spotless but she gets anxious. She says..."when I am anxious I clean!" but she can't because it is already clean.

This is how I feel right now. I am not looking forward to the next couple of weeks where I need to lay low but get bored and make the days long!

Hurry up and wait

2009-12-06T19:45:00.000-08:00

It is the night before my first ultra sound to see where I am at. I think I over did it today since I am now really feeling those eggs! I will take this as a sign to lay low. I am really anxious right now. I don't feel like eating, I am trying to clean up the house so I won't have to during my rest but I don't really feel like it. I feel like doing something but not...if that makes sense. I just want it to be over. The time has really flown by but I think this is where it will get really difficult. I think my restful days are going to drive me nuts. I have a lot of relaxing things planned but can you really plan to relax?

UGH!

Do I really trust him?

2009-12-05T21:04:00.000-08:00

I am probably less than a week away now from my egg retrieval. I am trying to keep busy so it gets here soon. I am starting to really feel the eggs growing and have a lot of bruises. A couple of nights ago I decided it would be a good idea for DH to give me a shot for practice since he will soon have to give me them in the behind. I got it ready but saw the way he was holding it, like he was going to kill someone. I thought um... should I let him do this. We both started laughing which didn't help because I needed to stay still. I told him to watch how I held it. Then I decided he needed to watch me do it once and I would let him do it tomorrow. He was looking at me with such horror when I was going to do it that I made him turn around.

The next night I thought he should be ready this time. He saw how it was done. I showed him again how to do it and said stab it in but don't try to kill me. We both were getting ready and finally stopped laughing. He said I couldn't look at him. I looked away as he did the 1,2,3 thing, Um....no please don't do it like that. I said "be careful". He touched my stomach at which I knew he was going to go in too slow and hurt me so I stopped him and took it away.

Tonight I just did it myself, maybe tomorrow I will actually let him! haha

Side Effects and Mood Swings

2009-12-01T10:29:00.001-08:00

Last night after a lot of frustration I wrote a little blog only to accidentally delete it! So I will re cap and add a little more. It has been difficult to sleep the last couple of nights. I wake up a lot and have been having hot flashes along with frequent urination. These are all side effects of one of the 4 meds I am on. I am really tired this morning after two restless nights. I also woke up with a large tummy. I am starting to feel a little bit going on in there. The shots are not too bad but I was a little nervous trying to do it right once again. I pulled out my 300IU pen and realized if you subtract 262.5 from 300 you on get 27.5 IU left which is no enough for a second dose. This was after putting the needle on and clicking the knob. So I thought do I stick myself twice using two needles to get a full dose? Then I would need to calculate how much in each pen and would continue doing this until I am even. Since my stomach is now full of holes I decided just to open a new pen. My RE said to bring in extra meds and they can make a dose out of it. So, that is what I will do.

I placed the needle on the new pen and made sure I was doing it right. It didn't bleed and I was starting to second guess myself. "was there really any medicine in there? Did I do it right?" Oh well, what can ya do. Now it was time to take off the needles. They should pop off but they were not. I was pulling on one and ended up cutting my finger with it. It hurt! Then it popped off and flew in the air. Oh, did I mention I yelled for DH to help because now I was mad at him that it wouldn't come off. haha (mood swing). He didn't hear me so I finally did it myself. I was so mad at him for not helping yet I never really asked him. I went into the other room to let him know how mad I was at him and he said that all I needed to do was come and get him since he didn't hear me. Okay, I guess I can't be mad. Then I almost started crying, for no reason. Then I was fine and tired. I decided to blog because it was now starting to seem funny. I finished and tried for the 3rd time to upload a video and accidentally deleted the post. Anger was back and I just gave up!

Can't wait to do it all again tonight!

And the stimming begins

2009-11-29T20:56:00.000-08:00

I have been trying to keep busy the last few days so that they go by fast. I had a great time with friends yesterday and decided since I was starting my stimming meds today that I would make sure to play rough! I rode quads in the mud and had a blast knowing that it will be mellow times from now on.
I was actually pretty nervous all day just watching the clock waiting for it to be night so that I could take my meds. After a lot of thought about how my weeks usually go I decided that it would be best to do my shots around 9pm. After doing it I decided it would actually be better about 6pm but to late now! lol At least I won't have to rush home from work and not be able to go to the store or worry when there is traffic.
I am a pro at shots, with regular needles at least. The pen was a little different and made me nervous. It hurt a little but no biggy. I am sure I will be a pro at this soon too. I took my 2 pills as well. I read the label and one said to take with food or milk. I learned my lesson the other day by not taking a pill with food and had heart burn forever! Unfortunately I have not food in my house that I can eat since i am having caffeine with drawls today and didn't go to the store. I only had sugar free hot chocolate and nuts so that is what I ate with my pills. This has inspired me to go to the store tomorrow.

a big ol' package

2009-11-27T21:03:00.000-08:00

Today I had to hang around the house until FedEx came to my door with a large box filled with meds and syringes on dry ice. It is kind of weird. I got another package today but it was filled with Christmas presents I ordered online, no ice required. I opened the box and was very overwhelmed. I had to figure out what needed to go into the frig right away and what needed to go after opening and what was all the other stuff.
The last couple of days have been really busy so that has been good for my sanity. I had a great Thanksgiving, spent the entire day cooking and cleaning. I cleaned up a little today and went shopping then to the movies. When I got home I wrapped presents and now I am writing Christmas cards. I want it all done because I am not sure how I will be in a week or two. Tomorrow I will spend the day with friends then Sunday it is time to start Gonal-f. I just want it all to go fast so I can get this over with!

chugging along

2009-11-25T15:04:00.000-08:00

Today is day 4 of injections. So far everything is going well. I didn't feel well here and there but nothing too bad. The injection burns a little and my stomach is crampy. I am surviving. I finally got good news today. My meds have gone through insurance and I will be getting them on Friday. Worst case scenario I will have to pick them up from my RE on Saturday if they don't come, they are aware. So now that stress is over. I took my last birth control pill last night so I will be getting a period in a couple of days, oh boy I can't wait! I will start Gonal-f on Sunday to stimulate my ovaries, Let...something a steroid, and Dex..something to help estrogen (those may be backwards).

This is when the real uncomfortable part will start but hopefully I will survive. I have not had any breakdowns the last couple of days so that is good to. I am making a conscious effort to be nice to DH so he won't forget why he wants to have kids with me! haha

I look forward to Thanksgiving tomorrow just relaxing and the rest of the 4 day weekend.

Day 1 down

2009-11-22T20:21:00.000-08:00

This morning was the start of Lupron injections. Last night I was very anxious, actually all day, so I decided to decorate for Christmas and do a little shopping. My house is now decorated and more than 1/2 of the presents are wrapped and under the fake tree. When I was finished I realized that now it was almost bed time and I would be starting shots in the morning. That was a little nerve wracking. I had trouble sleeping and woke up several times too look at the clock, I needed to get up at 7:30 since that is when I will be doing my shots.

The shot was not too bad. The size of the needle and how it is done is the same as last time I did Gonal-f. The only thing different was that it stung a little. I could feel it for a few hours and the injection site was irritated and red but not for long. I will do this for 2 weeks to suppress ovulation. I stop birth control pills in 2 days. I am looking forward to the side affects being gone but they will come back with the other meds.

So far so good and still sane....for now.

Another hoop

2009-11-20T20:40:00.000-08:00

I am starting to wonder if IF is more of a circus than a journey. I have been asked by a bunch of clowns, not the nice doctors and nurse more like the admin people and insurance people, to jump through a bunch of hoops. I am going to enter a ring of fire in a couple of weeks then walk on a tight rope. Instead of swallowing swords or breathing fire I will inject myself with more needles than a crack head! All of this will be for what I hope is a beautiful baby!

Today was another hoop. I called the pharmacy whom I have been reminded over and over delivers overnight. Well, yesterday when I called it was too late in the afternoon and their trucks were already out so I would have to get my delivery Saturday. I was a little nervous about that but okay their "over night" delivery was turning into a 2 day thing. So I called today as told to see what the damage was to my bank account. They didn't know yet but were expected to know in a couple of hours. Again I asked if I was still getting my package on Saturday. Of course I was because they deliver overnight. Then I call again 2 hours later to see the damage. Well, they still didn't know since it was still processing. I asked what the worst case scenario would be, which wasn't as bad as I thought. I again asked if I was still getting my package, of course since they overnight things. Okay, I am good. Then about 45 minutes later I get a call from the insurance rep from the pharmacy telling me that I still have not given my pre authorization and if I didn't get it to them in an hour their lovely overnight delivery trucks would be gone. I need the meds by Sunday morning so the water works started! I called my RE's office in tears telling them the situation. They told me to calm down, what? Are you kidding me I am a wreck. The nurse apologized and said the good thing is they deliver overnight. Well that is not so good when I will miss that and no deliveries are made on Sunday.
Luckily they keep meds in stock at the office for cases like mine. She told me she would keep working on it and to come by and pick up my meds that will last me a week. Okay, it was all settled. The only problem was that I was crying and couldn't stop. It was solved but it turned on the emotions that won't turn off. I was trying to contain myself, since I was AT WORK. Then I started thinking that I shouldn't be working because it is too stressful. I made it to the RE office and she gave me the meds and told me it is okay and we would get it all straightened out by next week.

I kind of think this week was 2 hoops that were FULL of fire. I am better now and made sure I had a yummy dinner from Chevy's since I can't eat a lot of things. I went on the treadmill, read and will now settle down for the night. I hope I do better tomorrow because Sunday is the day I start more drugs which will make me crazy and feel like crap. yikes.

You Tube

2009-11-19T19:24:00.000-08:00

We are getting closer only 2 more days until I start shooting myself. I finally was able to order my meds. They will come on Saturday before noon so I need to be home for the special delivery. I am still stressed about that since they don't deliver on Sunday and that is the day I need to get started. But, this is one thing down a thousand more to go.

So, I was watching videos on You Tube, oh you gotta love technology. They had everything on there you will ever need to know about this stuff. I have heard that the PIO (Progesterone in Oil) shot is quite the ordeal. This is the one DH will give me unless I really really have to do it myself. The ladies showed the needle! OMG is was huge. Then they stuck it in and slowly pressed the syringe. It takes a while since the oil is so thick. Some of the videos showed the men helping. One girl was yelling at her husband while her friend video taped. Umm...this will be us. haha Some may say "why in the world would you do that?". Well, I do not like surprises with pain. I want to know what to expect, what it will look like and most of all if its gonna hurt! This gives me a sense of control and knowledge that will calm my nerves. I won't have to do this for a few weeks so I am gearing up.

not sure what to title this

2009-11-17T21:04:00.000-08:00

Today was a busy day. I got blood work done, after trying to figure out if I "could" via my insurance. Why should they decide? It is really sad that things can't be easier with insurance but I guess I am thankful I have any. We also went to our nurse class. It was odd that there were 5 other couples in there. Usually we all sit in the waiting area wondering what the other is in for and who of the 2 is "broken", but this time I knew we were all doing IVF this month and even learned a little about their meds and past experiences. We were all pretty quite and looking scared, at least I wasn't alone.
The "presentation" was nothing new. I already knew how the process worked, what to expect during each step, etc. The one thing I really liked was the nurse went over the side effects of all the drugs, even your emotional state. She told the guys to be nice to us and supportive when we are crazy and not feeling well. I am glad that I did not have to tell DH. Pretty much I will be having hot flashes, bloating, nausea, and headache for most of the med...grrrreat. There were a couple of points in time where I had to use all my inner strength to hold it together. She talked about D day and what would happen if it worked. I almost lost it when she said we would hear a heart beat, I thought of around the time it would be. Then she moved on to if it didn't work, I almost lost it again. What will I do if it doesn't? I was at the front so I could not even try to dry my eyes. It was rough.
After the class I called to get my drugs. They told me 3 drugs but my list given by the doctors included only 2 of those 3 and 3 other? Luckily I am so anal that I doubled check with them then called the doctor. I am not sure where the mix up was but it is situated and my new prescription will be in tomorrow. Seriously, I don't want another stress! If I had not checked I would have spent $1,000 on meds I don't need and I am sure they would have not taken them back.
This week I will have to be home to wait for what I have heard is a large box of meds that I must sign for. This is weird. Who knew this would be how I was spending my holidays in 2009. So, the big day of Lurpon starts on Sunday the 22nd. I have to do those shots in the morning then a week later I start my evening shots of others.

What is on my mind...too

2009-11-13T15:58:00.000-08:00

I just came across this and I felt like they had just read my mind.

Lord, Give me Strength...
To keep my cool when another period starts.
To keep my chin up when a co-worker announces her pregnancy.
To have a good relationship with my friend in spite of her ability to conceive easily and not be jealous of her.
To endure my sister-in-law's comments about toilet training.
To keep from crying when I see children begging on the roads.
To forgive my doctor when he keeps me waiting for two hours for a consultation - and then can't remember my name.
To make the right decision about treatment.
To maintain a good relationship with my husband in spite of all this.

It's helpful to remember the Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr. " God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can change, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Infertility is...
Watching your husband playing with your friend's baby and wishing you could give him one of his own.
Telling nurses to please take blood from your right arm because the veins in your left arm are all gone because of all the IVs you've had.
Avoiding people you haven't seen for a long time because you don't want to hear the question, "Do you have any kids yet?".
Feeling very left out when your friends start comparing their pregnancy or childbirth experiences.
Feeling like the whole town is pregnant except for you.
Getting tired of people always expecting you to do things because "you don't have any kids to worry about".
Waking up in the middle of the night and wishing you could hear your baby crying.
Wishing you could give your parents grandchildren.
Wanting to fall apart if one other person says, "Why don't you adopt?" Easy, right?
Sometimes avoiding friends who are pregnant or with newborns because you just can't handle the situation at that moment.

We Begin

2009-11-12T18:49:00.000-08:00

The day has come to start my IVF journey. Although I have been on birth control pills for 2 months now, the first step of IVF, this week was the real thing. I started my Monday am with a trip to the RE office to write the biggest check I ever wrote. It barely fit on the line! This was followed by a few little tears but nothing big.
Today was my baseline ultra sound and a saline solution ultra sound. I spelled that wrong earlier and found myself Googleing Celine Dion's recent miscarriage after her 2nd IVF. Poor thing. I think it would have been wise of her not to tell the world until she was further along. Anyways, everything is looking nice. My lining is nice, my ovaries are nice and there is nothing funky like polyps or fibroids.
The procedure was pretty simple but I felt a little crampy afterwards. Our next move is our shot class next week. We also have to do blood tests. It is a little irritating that we are having insurance issues over these little things but lets hope it gets worked out and we can move forward asap. I had a little bit of an emotional day. It is all getting so real and it is very difficult. I am worried about what is to come. This week I have been really sensitive. I am hoping that people will understand I may not want to talk, hang out or just cry for no apparent reason.

Here goes the roller coaster!

Another attempt

2009-09-20T21:21:00.000-07:00

So we have finally decided to go through with IVF using a new doctor. I am really hoping this works! We have been so blessed by loved ones with the money to do it and don't have to sacrifice as much as we expected financially. So now I am a total wreck! I think I have cried almost everyday that last couple of weeks and the actual physical process doesn't start until November. Another round of pregos is emerging and that has really set me off. I am proud of myself going into"protection" mode even more so than in the past. Today is CD1 of the process since my RE is putting me on BC pills early to help. Next month is my egg class and shot class then off we go. I am freaked out but I know it will be over sooner than later. So for now I will exercise as much as possible and drink coffee because I will soon have to put that aside for a baby I may or may not get.

I am ready!

2009-06-18T22:35:00.000-07:00

I am trying to pick myself up from a rough week. I need to move on, think clearly and start figuring out plan B. I am trying to look at the good things that are now happening. I now don't have anything keeping me in Nor Cal and if I move I can go to an IVF clinic since I am paying out of pocket any way. I will be around family during this process, which may be helpful. If I do get pregnant and want to continue with school I can have lots of help that I didn't have before. I am listing to everyone trying to cheer me up and praying about it all. There is not a lot of time to stay down because that won't help. I think there was a total of 24hours of tears on and off and now it is time to move on. My boss told me that when I get down it doesn't last long. I let her know that I have worked really hard on that, IF has really taught me how to cope. I am ready for whatever God has in store for me and I am waiting for him to lead me in the right direction!

A failure again

2009-06-16T19:12:00.000-07:00

I just got another round of bad news. I did not get into grad school. My grades were to low. My first reaction was crying, then calling my family which none of them picked up! Then I got a hold of DH and cried to him. He said he was so sorry and wishes there was something he could do. They always want to fix it but they can't. After crying I went shopping, that always helps. Then I cried to my mom and now I am doing pretty good. I feel like a failure once again. It is weird how this made me start to think of IF and how I just want one thing that I have worked hard for to workout! I have always been okay at everything, that doesn't get you that far. I started to wonder if I am aiming too high. But seriously, having children, is that really to high? I feel barren and stupid. I know I shouldn't feel stupid because I know I am not. It just sucks that they can't see that I can do things when I work at it it is just that chemistry is really hard!! Well, now I am on to the next plan which is going to be interesting.

I'm a Mother waiting....

2009-05-28T20:38:00.001-07:00

I was just watching my favorite show FRIENDS. Of course it is reruns but it still is the best show ever. This was the episode where Chandler and Monica are trying to adopt a baby and were mistakenly chosen by the girl who is in all the funny movies. She thinks they are a Reverend and a doctor. When she discovers they are lying just so they get the baby she leaves. Chandler follows her into to the hall and explains how much he wants Monica to have a baby that he can't give her one etc. Then he says she is already a mother she just needs a baby.

This is how I feel. I am so ready. I am already so motherly and ready to take care of a little one. I just don't have it yet. It made me cry a little and pray for a miracle. I have been doing really well but the void is still there.

I am ready!

Coping

2009-05-03T20:17:00.000-07:00

I really wish I was able to keep a little computer in my bag so every time I had a thought I could blog. It seems like I only get to after all my "chores" are done and DH is gone. Oh well. I have been thinking about coping a lot lately. I have been told how well I am doing, which doesn't always make it better. I found that I am doing so many things to cope with my situation. I have my wonderful support group, daily strength website, journal, talking to various people, exercise, and the lovely blue pill along with just keeping busy. I do all this yet still no baby. Still I feel sad a lot and wonder if it will ever happen for me. All this "coping" I am doing doesn't make me a mother. Now that mother's day is next week I am realizing that I won't be celebrating it once again. Maybe some day. All I will do now is cope. =(

Just some thoughts

2009-04-03T21:30:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow my support group is going to Ripley's Believe It or Not in SF to rub the fertility idol. I am really looking forward to having a fun trip. I don't know that it will help but hopefully all of us will get pregnant next month! haha

I have finally made the decision not to attend baby showers any more. I always feel obligated to go if I can and used to enjoy buying gifts. My hope of happy a baby of my own is getting slim so I am trying to save myself the pain of attending. I am not sure if I will even send gifts any more. If I do maybe I will start sending gift cards to Target since it is generic. I am doing all I can to cope with this and have been hearing how strong I am. Honestly, that almost makes it worse. I feel like when people tell me that, they think it is not bothering me like it is. I just have to do so much to cope that it seems like I am okay but I really am not. I guess if I have a mental breakdown they will stop telling me I am doing well. No one can really know what they are going to say is okay with me because it all depends on the day.

One other funny thing is my favorite new some is by Miley Sirus aka Hannah Montana. It is about getting to the other side of the mountain. It is not what is there but the climb. I totally agree. I am trying to get to the other side of a huge mountian and I am learning a lot through my climb. =)

All I want is a free meal

2009-03-25T09:35:00.000-07:00

I finally wrote an email to my clinic because the OBGYN is in the same office as the IF. This is the worst idea ever. I get to stare at the pregnant ladies while waiting to go see my dr because I can't get pregnant. I know they are in the same place in you body but seriously, why would they think it is a good idea?

I thought my email was pretty good. I thanked them for their great service medically but let them know my emotional needs are not being met and if this continued I would find a place where they would be. I got a nice email back saying they were sending it to upper management and how sorry they were that I felt this way but it takes time and money to make changes.

I felt like I was at a restaurant complaining to the manager. I looked at it this way. If you go into a busy restaurant but the food is really good so you don't mind waiting. Then you sit down and are ignored while everyone else is getting drinks and food. You server comes to you and takes your order. You wait for a long time for you food, the food is great but you can't get over how bad the service was. You complain to the manager and he says how sorry he is and comps your meal.

This is a great way to end the meal. The meal was good and service was bad but at least it is free. I guess I was hoping my clinic would be the same way. I think if they said we are so sorry you feel this way what we are going to do is comp you last treatment since it failed anyway and are unhappy with the service. But no, it was just sorry we will not be fixing this problem anytime soon. UGH!

Brenda Walsh?

2009-01-07T13:31:00.000-08:00

I have a yucky feeling about myself right now. This may sound weird and funny.
When I was in high school "Beverly Hills 90210" was a big show. I watched it all the time and really liked Kelly. I was also a cheerleader, can we say catty? We had many arguments on what bow we were wearing on spirit days, who should be your secret football player for homecoming, why is she always in the front in dances and much much more. How does this relate to 90210 you ask. Well, being as passionate as I was about these cheer issues and okay probably a little more snobby than I would like to admit...someone told me that the JV squad called me Brenda Walsh. My reaction was "ugh, I'm not like her".
So now it is over 12 years since I heard that about myself. I feel I have come a long way and no longer even slightly resemble her...until...last night. The new season of "90210" was on and the old characters Brenda and Kelly are on it. I know I am a dork but I totally watch it. Last night Brenda finds out she can't have kids. Just like me!! She had fibroids removed which left her baron. (not like me) The best part was when she was in the waiting room with a 16 year old girl who just found out she was pregnant. She talked about how it made her feel and how jealous she was of the girl.

Wow, this is totally me. I just thought it was funny.

On another note our last cycle was cancelled and we are waiting until next week to do more tests. Grrrr

Fertility Fairy

2008-12-17T09:40:00.001-08:00

I got a delivery from the fertility fairy yesterday. She brought 4 boxes of gonal f, needles, ovadrial, alcohol wipes, and a sharps container that says "bio hazard". Although it is not the best present it is something to look forward too using on my journey to become a mother. I am getting ready for another IUI and hope all goes well. I know what to expect this time, except that my dose is higher. It also only cost $54! Wow. So now I have to fight my insurance to get that price from the last round that cost $750. So far it is not looking good.
I am leaving for my families house on Friday, I can't wait. It will make me feel normal again to be with the family doing fun things and enjoying Christmas. I am also going to Disneyland. I hope it is not full of kids reminding me that I don't have one, well I that is a dream that will not come true.

Thankful

2008-11-29T09:54:00.000-08:00

The day before Thanksgiving I was talking to my grandma. My grandparents are always telling me how wonderful I am so if I ever feel down I always call them =) After talking about my grandpa's declining health then about my infertility we both were down in the dumps. Before we hung up my grandma told me that although we have a lot on our plate right now there is always a lot to be thankful for. I totally agree so I started thinking of what I am thankful for and the list ran on and on.

God
a great family and husband
food on my table
a job
health insurance
2 dogs that bring me joy
a car
the opportunity to go to school
overall good health
a roof over my head
the ability to help others
a good head on my shoulders
friends

......and much much more

Perseverance

2008-11-23T21:52:00.000-08:00

It seems that lately every Sunday when I go to church or teach Sunday school I feel like everything is directed at me. I guess with almost any message you can find a reason for that but it just seems so much more then that. The last few weeks we have talked about Abraham and Sarah not having a baby then they were blessed with Isaac. In service we talked about perserverance. The pastor went through a few reasons why people continue to perservere. What I really liked about it was that God wants you to do that.

I feel like right now that is what I am doing. In my life there have been a few things that I have had to perserve through but those things are nothing compared to what I am dealing with now. This topic allowed me to be proud of myself for doing what God wants and not giving up. At times I just want to throw in the towel and be done. Every once and a while I need something to lift me up so that I can keep going.

Right now I am focusing on PERSERVERANCE!

Not what I wanted to hear

2008-11-21T17:20:00.001-08:00

I went to the dr. yesterday. I have been anxiously awaiting this visit. I don't know what I want to hear anymore. The first thing he said when we walked in was "Do you want to talk about IVF". This was a little bit shocking. Before he keep saying we were far away from it. After this last treatment I guess we are closer. We reviewed everything that we had done and the little things that are coming up. He said we can do another round of IUI with Gonal f but he would up the dose. He wanted to see 4 or 5 mature eggs and I got only 2 maybe 3. This was still good but not what he was expecting. We can also jump right into IVF. Wow! Although I was pushing for it earlier this year I felt that it was my decision. When the dr. tells you that things are not working and this is better it is like a slap in the face. The scary thing is that we may only have one shot and then that is it!

I talked to him about Celiac disease and how it causes premature menopause, what I have. He was very interested and wanted me to keep looking into it. We decided to do another IUI after Christmas and if it doesn't work we will start saving for IVF. I had a good cry and I am ready for the battle to begin again.

A lot like Sarah

2008-11-17T10:59:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I continued the story about Sarah and Abraham not being able to have children in Sunday school. I had to act out the part about being sad for not having children. This wasn't hard to do. There was a poem in the curriculum that was supposed to be read to the kids about not having kids. It ended with Sarah saying that she felt a kick and was having a baby. Next week Isaac will be born, in the story. This was a hard story to read but it also gave me hope again.

I have been reading a lot about Celiac Disease. It appears that pre mature menopause is caused; this is what I have. I have an appointment in late December to be tested but I am going to try to get tested on Thursday at UCD. I did read that it is reversible with a gluten free diet! This is great if it is what I have. The only thing I don't like is that you should not stop eating wheat if you haven't been diagnosed yet because it can mess up the diagnoses. This is difficult since I have not been eating it for a week, except my splurge on Saturday. I don't want to wait another month because I could be starting to reverse things right now.

Today I need to call my insurance and see how that mess is going. I hope it all works out.

Fitting In

2008-11-13T16:21:00.001-08:00

The other day some friends and I were talking about fitting in the norm of America. You must get married and shortly after have kids, raise them, have grand kids, and as one women put it "then die". After this conversation I have decided I will never fit in anywhere. When I was young I fit in most of the time but being raised in a Christian family made me different. I wasn't always able to do things that many of my friends did, which was fine with me, most of the time. Then I found my husband in high school when most of my friends were single. Again, I had a serious boyfriend and didn't fit in.
After high school was college where I didn't party like a lot of new friends I made and was starting to think about marriage. I got married at 21 which was not normal for my age. None of my friends understood what it was like and I tried to make new ones but the married ones were older. So now I find the married ones but I didn't fit in because I was so young.
I am now 27 with friends my age who are married and older friends who are married. I thought I was starting to fit in until they all started having kids. Here I am again not fitting in.
The one thing I remember about not fitting in and liking it was in high school when I had my "own" style of dress. I got made fun of at times but I never wanted to see someone with the same clothes as me and I liked it that way. Now that I don't fit in because I don't have kids I need to find something that will make me like it.
The one good thing about not fitting in is I have a lot of freedom, which I will give up in a heart beat to have kids. I am a part of a secret society of women that only me and them can understand. Like my grandma said "you have always wanted to be different". This is true but do I really want to be different like this? Not really but I will embrace it for now.

God has good plans for us

2008-11-10T10:16:00.000-08:00

I have been teaching Sunday school in the 2 year old class for the last 3 months. It is a lot of fun. I find myself learning each week just like the kids. This week was very close to me. I read the story of Abram and Sarai. They had everything you could ever ask for. A great marriage, a good flock of sheep, large land that was great for food and their sheep. The only thing they were missing was a family. They were both older and weren't sure why they haven't had any kids yet. Abram thanked God for all he had but asked why no children. God told him to look at the stars in the sky and said that his family will be as great as all those stars. This meant he will have children, grandchildren, great grandchildren etc. He told him that he has a plan for him.

We had the kids say many times through out the lesson " God has good plans for us". Every time I said it with them it made me think of my family plans. My family keep telling me God has a plan for DH and I but it is becoming redundant. I agree with them but the more it is said the more I am like, yeah I know. After reading this story it renewed my faith that we will have a family some day. I have everything I need right now and have to wait for the next step.

great words

2008-11-05T21:49:00.000-08:00

I just bought a new album from one of my favorite artist, Celine Dion. Her songs are about love. Most would think of their significant other, which I do at times. After buying the album I have been really listening to the words and found that it is like I am singing it to my unborn child. Whether it is from my genes or not. This song brings me hope.

My love, we have seen it all
The Endless confession,The rise and fall
As fragile as a child
Lately I'm sorry I can't hold a smile But I stand tall to get by No matter how hard I try to hide
Did you know I take the time for you
Did you know that I would see you through
Did you know that I would play the part
I must've made it clear right from the start
My love, can you give me strength
Somehow I forgot how to ease my pain I know I'm right where
I belong Something from nothing never proved me wrong
But I stand tall to get by
No matter how hard I try to hide
Did you know I take the time for you

The part I like the most is about standing tall. It makes me think of how strong I have become from all of this. I never knew I had this kind of strength. If I continue to stand tall I think I can make it through.

Ughhh

2008-11-04T18:43:00.000-08:00

I spent a couple of hours this weekend getting all my paperwork together of everything I have done. It was a lot more than I thought. I made a table of test and procedures I have had and what the results were. I can give this to the dr. that we will be seeing for a second opinion. I have been driving myself crazy the last few days. I am listening to sad music feeling sorry for myself. I was doing so well until Halloween. We went to a party and were the only ones without kids. We were in a way "praised" for not being tied down. If only they knew what we have been through to be "tied down". I really hate when people say that. It is not their fault, they have no idea.
I was shown this website. It would be a great place for Christmas gifts for us!

http://shop.cafepress.com/infertile

Trying to move on

2008-10-30T10:43:00.000-07:00

It has been less than a week since I found out it didn't work. Luckily I have been very busy both at work and in my social life. I haven't really had time to grieve, this may or may not be a good thing. I called the dr. for a follow up appointment to see if he still thinks we should continue down this path. I don't think we should . I also made a decision to get a second opinion. I am working on getting an appointment with another dr. which I will bring all my files too and see what they say. I am still dealing with my insurance and not getting anywhere. I started receive statements from my surgery, no payment yet! I am sure all the bills will come at Christmas time. I am just trying to stay positive and move forward. I know that I won't be doing anything until at least January so I plan on drinking coffee and working out a lot, things I can't always do during treatment. I want to start on Christmas shopping and making presents to keep me distracted. I have to trust that God will provide and get me through this.

BFN!

2008-10-26T14:54:00.001-07:00

The verdict is in, I am not pregnant. I started my period last night. I knew all day it was coming but tried to keep busy. It came and I lost it. I am so sad. It actually came a few days early which is unusal. When I was on clomid it was always late some times by 8 days. This made me hopeful. We bought a test Friday night thinking we would test today but we didn't need too. I don't want to talk to anyone right now. I spent the day doing some retail therapy which usually helps but I didn't buy anything. I did get a hair cut which made me feel better. We are going to dinner tonight to celebrate our 6th wedding anniversary without any kids still. I get that question all the time.

Insurance again

2008-10-23T20:33:00.000-07:00

I called the finical coordinator yesterday to try and work out my insurance. I left a nice long message saying how things hadn't been resolved before she left on vacation and I was waiting for it to be so I could get reimbursed. I gave her a day and half to get back to me. I will have to call again tomorrow. I was putting it off because I wanted to pretend like everything was over and I didn't have the energy to go back down that road.

I am not too far away from finding out if it worked. DH thought it would be nice to test on our anniversary this weekend. I said "well, that will make it really great or really crappy depending on the results. I just want it to be over.

Getting Anxious

2008-10-22T15:31:00.000-07:00

I was doing well last week. Then on Monday I started to freak out. I was looking up early symptoms of pregnancy, like I don't know what they are. It made me really anxious. Then today I started feeling like I am going to start my period. I am really freaking out now. It is too early for it though but a lot of time I get symptoms a few days before I start. I started thinking "can I go through this again?" At this point I don't think I can for a while. I definitely need another break. I sure hope I am wrong about AF.

Coffee is not worth it.

2008-10-18T17:21:00.000-07:00

I am a total coffee addict. Now that I am waiting to see if I am prego I have to cut back to 1 cup of decaf a day. I usually do one or so cups of regular. This has happened to me so many times that I am starting to drink decaf on a regular basis more often. On the weekends I usually make it at home and during the week go to Pete's or Starbucks. I made some this morning but only had regular, so I drank just a little. I went to the grocery store and saw the coffee section. I thought I should buy decaf for the weekends. I found the usual small container of Folgers that I love. I looked at the price and saw it was over $6. Wow, it used to be about $4. I stood there and contemplated....umm should I do it? Then I looked at other brands and they were all about the same. I keep standing there staring thinking we just spent so much money on treatment I really need to watch my pennies. Then I started thinking about how bad the economy is and this really made me notice how things went up in price. Finally I decided I could just drink some tea tomorrow and that will do it. Now I am thinking about the $1.55 I spend every morning for my cup of decaf or regular. If I go back and buy the $6 decaf and make it every morning I am sure it will last me at least 2 weeks which in the end will be cheaper. It is funny how your mind works. I won't pay $6 for a large on but I will pay $1.55 everyday.

the easy part is over

2008-10-15T18:10:00.000-07:00

It may have seen like the last couple of weeks were difficult. Every night I gave myself a shot, all the blood draws and ultra sounds, the IUI's; that really was the easy part. After 2 days in a row of IUI's now we wait. This is the toughest part of it all. Now I can reflect back on all that I went through and how physically I am not feeling great. Now comes the emotional part where every little thing I feel in my body makes me wonder "could I be pregnant". It usually drives me nuts because obviously I haven't been. Now I will try to keep busy, eat healthy and take care of myself just in case while I wait.

Here we go!

2008-10-13T16:03:00.000-07:00

I had my FINAL blood draw and ultra sound this morning. Thank goodness. I am getting sick of shots. Everything looks good. There are 2 big eggs, 19 and 18 and one smaller one. He said 2 maybe 3 will ovulate. I do a "trigger" shot tonight. This what we call it, it is ovidrial which triggers me to ovulate. Tomorrow I go in at 2pm for the IUI and again on Wednesday. They like to do it 2 days in a row to get you at the begining of ovulation and at the end. I am ready for this but also scared to death. I left about to cry but didn't have time since I had a dentist appointment right after with my favorite hygenist! (my friend A)

What are people thinking?

2008-10-12T18:31:00.000-07:00

I went to the dr. this morning and had another u/s and blood draw. There was one good egg (18mm) and a lot of small. He couldn't see the other one that was big but the screen was fuzzy so it should be there somewhere. I will find out my E2 results tomorrow. He said I am getting close, usually eggs get to about 22mm. I will go in tomorrow morning, for the 6th and hopefully final u/s and blood draw. He thinks we will do the IUI Tuesday and Wednesday. They usually do 2 days in a row.

On another note, the nurse was a bit of a ding bat. When you work in the infertility clinic you would think you are very sensitive to your patients. People can be very upset when they are in there. Well, this lady wasn't so sensitive. She was very friendly, asking what our plans were for the weekend etc. Then she comes in the room and says "these are our latest miricles". She shows us a picture of her daughters new born twins. Since she called them miricles and they were twins, I know all babies are but IF ones I feel are a little bit more, I assumed her daughter had trouble. Yes, they were cute like I think all babies are. I asked her if they had trouble and she said no. She then went on to say she has 6 kids and 17 grandkids. Her some is just so fertile he has 8 of his own. Blah Blah Blah. Seriously, I could see the look on DH's face and knew he was thinking the same thing. After she walked out I said "way to make us feel like crap", he totally agreed. Why would you do that? She knew why we were there, we have done 4 failed IUI's and now were on our 5th with a new drug. That is really dumb on her part. I usually don't see her during the week so that is good.

Not enough

2008-10-11T20:36:00.001-07:00

So today wasn't bad. I got to do some shopping in the morning, take a nap, then go to a one year old's birthday party. I knew I wouldn't be home in time to give myself a shot so we decided to pack a cooler and do it there. I was feeling a little sorry for myself when we got there and there was a 3 week old baby, the one year old, and a 2 year old. Luckily the one year old makes me smile so I just played with him. After the festivities it was time for the shot. I decided instead of bringing it into the house and going to the bathroom I would just do it in the car. DH came out to check on me but I didn't want him there just in case someone came out. I got the stuff ready; by the way I was very pleased at how well the meds stayed cool, maybe it was that I put 3 ice packs in. I pulled the syringe back and it looked a little funny. I thought maybe I should check and squirt out a little just in case. I did and there was nothing in there. Good thing I checked. I did it again, still didn't look right so I checked, nothing in there. I was getting worried so I jabbed it in the bottle one more time and saw the needle going through and bubbles came, what a relief. Then I realized I was 37IU short! Uh oh. DH said why don't you bring the new bottle just in case. No, we will be fine. Well we weren't. I gave my self the shot, by the way did I mention I felt like a heroin addict shooting up drugs in my car. I went in to tell DH that we were short. I was really nervous. He said when we got home to do the rest. Well of course I wanted to leave right then. He wanted to stay a little until everyone left. I sat there and stared at the clock worrying the entire time. Then just as people were leaving and we were really able to chat with the people we new I was ready to bolt. I felt so horrible but I told DH we had to go. He didn't want to but didn't question me, he knew why. I felt bad the whole way home and was nervous we screwed up. We came in and opened a new bottle. We were trying to hurry and of course we weren't careful and got it every where. I got the second shot but looked at it and said "there goes $100. Lets hope it works. Tomorrow I have another dr. appointment. I am really starting to hurt and get bloated and have 3 nice bruises.

Getting closer

2008-10-10T19:02:00.000-07:00

I went to the dr. today and they saw 2 good size eggs on the good tube. There are still a bunch of tiny ones but he says they won't mature in time. I had to buy another box of gonal f. This made the end of the day stressful. I may be able to make it through the weekend with out another box. I may have the IUI as early as Sunday so I wanted to save money and not buy another box unless I had too. Well, the pharmacy is not open over the weekend and I couldn't take the chance. I decided to do this at 5pm. This gave me an hour to get there. Usually this is no big deal but there was a lot of traffic and wasn't exactly sure where to go, the place is huge. So I freaked out the whole way there. I was out the door by 5:45 big relief.

My E2 was 568 today, whoo hoo going up is good. I am getting really bloated and it is starting to hurt when I walk. I go back again on Sunday for another ultra sound and blood draw then they will give me further directions. I am getting excited and scared again. After they do the IUI it will be 2 weeks of hell waiting for results. I will need to keep busy some how.

This sums it up

2008-10-08T19:46:00.000-07:00

The link to this video pretty much can tell everyone what we are going through and how to respond. Wow, it was a tear jerker for me and I learned a lesson: don't rub your eyes after crying when you just ate garlic it burns!

http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

A good harvest

2008-10-08T19:18:00.000-07:00

Things are looking up. I went to the doctor today and we saw 9 eggs! Yes 9. This time there were 5 on my right, the good side, and 4 on the left. There were 4 good looking eggs on the right. My E2 level went up to 255 which is great. He said it may get up into the 1000's since there are so many eggs. I have been praying for the last few days that god blesses us one good egg on the good side. Well, not that a miracle has happened yet but I got 4 good looking ones on the good side so he has answered my prayers. They keep my meds the same. On Friday I go in for another ultra sound and blood draw. I should be doing the IUI early next week. I am looking forward to it. The guy who did the blood draw today wasn't very gentle. My arm hurt for a while. I like the ladies better, they are nicer =)

The doctor laughed at me. I asked him about my E2 level being high then dropping. I said I did some research on it, he cut me off and chuckled "You did research". I said of course that is what I do, I want to know what everything is. He said I was correct that is was a sign of low ovarian reserve and that I did have a high FSH before. He said don't worry right now things are coming along well. I am not one of those people who just goes in wanting the doctor to tell them a little and prescribe something. I want to know why, how and if you don't give it to me I will figure it out. I continue to pray that everything goes well, that is all I can do at this point.

E2 yoyo

2008-10-06T17:11:00.000-07:00

I got my E2 results today. It dropped down to 77. I asked if it was normal to drop and she said in a polite way not really. Maybe I read into it. I guess everyone is different but I think it is unusual to drop after being so high. She wasn't concerned since I had 3 follicles that looked really good. I will stay at 150IU until Wednesday when I go in for another ultra sound and blood draw. They may actually up the dose more. I am starting to get bloated so I will need to start wearing my fat shirts, good thing they are in style! I have had a headache all day and feel really tired. This may be that I was out all day yesterday. I am trying to keep my mind off things. I keep researching what all the numbers mean but I may be driving myself crazy. Luckily DH called to say he is bringing home Chevy's. Yummmm. I haven't had it in a while. Good food always makes you feel better.

5 little eggs

2008-10-05T09:36:00.000-07:00

On Friday my E2 or estradial was 169. This tells where the eggs are at in development. Because it was high, should be around 100, they reduced my meds to 75IU. This morning I went to get an ultra sound and another E2 test. I was a little surprised when the doctor came in and it wasn't my doctor or even the one I see sometimes on the weekend. He didn't even introduce himself. Oh well. I have 5 follicles right now. One on the right and 4 on the left. I was a little surprised that I only had 5 I thought I would have like 7. There are 3 that look promising all on the left. This means my left side is gonna hurt!

Since I only had 5 and my E2 was high they bumped up my meds back up to 150IU. They will give me the E2 results tomorrow which may change my meds again. The bad news is my E2 levels shouldn't be this high with only 5 follicles. A couple of years ago I had an FSH level test which test the quality and ovarian reserve of your eggs. It was 13.5 at my age it should be under 10. They didn't seem to concerned with it but it has been in the back of my mind. I just looked up the E2 level and found that it goes back to having a low ovarian reserve. This makes me sad. It is not that I can't ever have a baby but my chances get lower and lower as time goes by because of my eggs. After FSH reaches 16 then it gets worse so I have a little time. This is all my research and the doctor really doesn't mention it but I am going to ask about it in a few days. They said I will probably go back on Tuesday or Wednesday for another ultra sound and E2.

The shots are going well. The only thing is I am bruising. I have 4 tiny burses on my stomach. The one from last night looks the worst. I was thinking about making a pattern, maybe a heart or smiley face =) I had to do enough shots to make a smiley face on each side. This is totally weird but I think it would lighten the mood.

Infertility can get you out of a ticket

2008-10-03T15:20:00.000-07:00

Today I was on my way to get a blood draw. I was down the street when a motorcycle cop pulled me over. Usually when you get pulled over they ask you why you think you were pulled over and where you were heading. I knew I wasn't speeding so the only thing I could think of was registration.
Let me back up alittle. DH bought a car and we are trying to sell his truck. It has been sitting in the drive way for a couple of months. Last week we needed it for some work we had to do so we renewed insurance on it to drive it. The last couple of weeks my car has felt funny. I needed 4 tires replace and we only got 2 a couple of months ago so I figured the other 2 were ready to be replaced. I thought since we are paying for IUI I would drive the truck for a couple of weeks.

I was right about the expired tags. I was thinking to myself if he asks where I was going should I say the med center? for a blood draw? to a dr. appointment? or would he be sympathetic to fertility treatment? I decided to tell him fertility treatments and that is why we can't afford new tires for my car and registration. Unfortunately he didn't ask! Boooo. He was actually really nice and I explained we were trying to sell it. He gave me a fix it ticket. He asked for my insurance but I couldn't find it, I don't think the new card was in the car yet. He asked for an old one, couldn't find that, DH keeps all kinds of crap in the car. He asked me if I was telling the truth and I said yes. Then I found an old one. He said I looked honest and he wouldn't fine me or write a fix it ticket for that.
I guess it is $900 if you don't have insurance. I would have lost it then and said "Please don't do that we are trying to have a baby, that could by 3 boxes of Gonal f". It is funny that everything I do now makes me think what I can do for that.
There is a vitamin B study where I work and I thought hmmm....it pays $250 that would buy 1/2 an ultrasound. Weird I know! I am just waiting now to hear from the nurse my lab results so I know how much GF I need to shoot myself with tonight.

The morning after

2008-10-02T15:48:00.000-07:00

Last night I did my first Gonal f shot. This morning I woke up fine but as I was driving to work I got a headache. I get them on ocasion, especially after I do a lot of shoulder work outs, which I did last night. I also had a stomach ache and a sharp pain in my side all day. Is this from GF? I sure hope not. If so I am in for a long 2 weeks because I only did one shot and feel like crap. I looked at the side effects:

ovarian enlargement presenting as abdominal or pelvic pain, tenderness, pressure, or swelling;
nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, or flatulence (gas);
fever or chills;
headache;
dizziness;
rapid pulse or heart rate;
muscle or joint weakness or aching;
breast tenderness;
spotting or menstrual changes;
pain, swelling, or irritation at the injection site; or
dry skin, a rash, or hair loss.

Lets see....headache (check), nausea (check), diarrhea (check), pelvic pain (check), muscle aching (check)

Not all but a few. I can't wait for hair loss and ovarian enlargement. We will see how I feel tomorrow. I will have 2 holes in my stomach and one in my arm. I hope I don't start leaking after I drink water.

Dismantling a Bomb

2008-10-01T20:51:00.000-07:00

I did it!! or shall I say WE did it. The first shot of Gonal f was successful. It didn't really hurt which is good and by the 12th time I do it I'm sure it will be cake. After we finished I felt a little like we just dismantled a bomb in the movies. We got out the meds and I pulled out the directions. DH prepared the meds and I started reading. First do this and I would watch as he so carefully did what I said. Next do that, again he was so careful and waited until I finished to start on each step. It was as though I was saying "first cross the blue wire over the red etc.." Then it was my turn. He handed over the needle as though it was a precious bomb that could go off at anytime. I pinched my skin and as I was shaking I counted down 3,2,1 and jabbed it in. DH watched from the side as I counted slowly to 5 then pulled it out. We both made a sigh of relief and we were done. We smiled and I said " same time tomorrow".

I feel like we just accomplished something great as a team and hope that each night that same feeling will come. Let's hope that the bomb doesn't go off and we save the world, or just have a baby.

Job opening

2008-10-01T16:41:00.000-07:00

The other day I was thinking about how much organizational skills it takes to go through a treatment. I am not doing IVF but IUI with injections is close. I feel like there should be a job description posted when you start and you need to see if you are qualified. The description would be something like this.

Seeking potential mother

Qualifications:
well organized
ability to mulittasks
works well with others
basic math skills required
ability to work well in stressful environment
flexible
good communication skills
ability to prioritze and make difficult decisions
must be able to work weekends and holidays

I am sure I am missing some. Luckily I am skilled in many of these areas so I hope I get the job. I have been thinking about other people they may not be this way and I can't imagine how stressful it is trying to keep it all straight.

I start shots tonight! Wish me luck.

Off We Go

2008-09-29T16:44:00.000-07:00

Today I thought the insurance situation would be straightened out, but no! I called and nothing has been done and the FC is on vacation. I decided to move on and hope next week it will be worked out.

AF started today, I have been anxiously awaiting her since Friday. I start shots on Wednesday then have a blood draw on Friday. I will be taking 150mm of Gonal F Wed. and Thurs. Then depending on my blood work they will change it, not sure what the blood work does yet. I hope this week goes well. I think last week was even more difficult because I was PMSing. No one made me cry this weekend, which was good. It was actually nice and relaxing just chilln. =)

Insurance Sucks!

2008-09-27T18:51:00.001-07:00

I went to pick up my medication (Gonal f) thinking that everything would run smoothly, boy was I wrong. I was told that my insurance was preapproved and was ready to go. I went in and found out it wasn't and had to pay full price. This hurt my bank account. They said once everything gets fixed I will get reimbursed but after spending a long time on the phone calling the pharmacy, insurance co, and the fincial coordinator nothing has been resolved and everyone is blaming the other person.

I left the place upset, it is a lot harder to go through treatment when you have to start paying all that money for it. It makes the dissapointment of the BFN even more devasting and the anixiety of it not working is a lot worse now that it cost so fun.

I got a call from DH right after to pick up dinner and I said no I don't want McDonalds. I have been trying to work out and eat a lot better because I will be gaining weight through this procedure and I have already gained 15lbs from all the meds. He was trying to convince me which made me start to cry, again. I think he thinks I have gone crazy. I was so upset I didn't even tell him about the insurance. He got dinner and of course I ate the chicken nuggets and fries just fine.

I was afraid I was going to start my period Friday night and have to start shots Sunday but not be able to call the nurse and find out how much I am supposed to take. I called her and she wanted to know details of my period and give me details. "If there is not a heavy flow by Friday night then your day 1 isn't until Saturday which means you will start shots on Monday. You need to call Monday so I know when you actually started to schedule your 6 day appointment" Okay I can do that. Here I am Saturday night and still no AF. This is good and bad. My insurance only covers until Oct. 14th and since I still haven't started that means IUI won't be until after that. I told the financial coordinator that and she said they would only extend it til them otherwise we have to start all over, well then start over! Oh no of course she can't right now she is going on vacation. GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

So for now I sit here on Saturday night hoping that AF will start and I can get going before insurance runs out. I am a lot better emotionally today, I think it is because I didn't have to work.

A Rough Week

2008-09-25T16:33:00.000-07:00

This has been a rough week. I was excited at first to start my new treatment. After talking about it on Monday I got really nervous. I called the pharmacy to order my meds and hung up the phone almost in tears. Why? I still can't figure it all out. It could be the stress of trying to coordinate doctors appointments, keep a consistant time to do the shoots, or the fear it may not work and we are going to be out a lot of money. I am really sensitive so those close too me are hurting my feelings, not meaning too of course.
I am on my way to pick up the meds now. It is all starting to be so real. I think it has been easy the last few months since I havn't done anything really. Just sat back and relaxed with no pressure. Now I feel the pressure of hoping it will work and what to do if it doesn't. We will see!

My First Blog

2008-09-24T16:09:00.000-07:00

Okay, here it goes. This is my first blog. I was inspired to do this by talking to other people about coping with infertility. I want to explain the situation, medications, procedures, outcomes and feelings of all this in one spot. I cannot tell you how draining it can be trying to explain everything to so many people. I want to share and I know they all care, a lot of time I offer up the info even. I feel that this will help relieve that stress a little. I will try to post often to keep everyone updated so keep checking it out. I also love to share the humor in all this, yes there is a lot.